Dreaming of My Immortal
by Twilightholic-Tanya
Summary: I like having you with me," I said not wanting to make him hurt. "I like being with you," he said quietly. "Lair." "Am not." "Then stay, please." "Always." With memories, friends, and a love she can never forget Bella tries to overcome her past. AH
1. Promises

_**1.**_

Love is strong. At times it controls your whole life. It's what you live for. Love is life and life is love. Though love never ends...it travels and stays in your heart. It goes on when life is over and it is around us. We can always feel it, like air, and sunshine. It is there. But life is different. Life is ended and it does not go on. Still what are you suppose to do when life and love are gone.

"Bella," the voice wasn't a whisper but close to it. It was more like a breath. The air that formed my name. I could feel it. It tickled my ear. It was such a wonderful voice. It was strong and full of life. Something that had become unknown to me.

"Bella love it is time to wake up," it ordered me and the smile that had seemed to form over my face, disappeared and turned into a frown.

"No," I said stubbornly.

He chuckled low and deep. I could feel the warmth of it on my neck. I hugged my pillow a little tighter and felt his arms squeeze my waist just a little. The smile was back on my face.

"I don't want to wake up. You leave me," I said. It didn't have any sound to more of a movement of my lips and the sound of my mouth opening and closing. Again he laughed.

"I could never leave you, not even now," he said and I sighed.

"You're a liar," I said for who knows how many times.

"Am not. I speak what I know," he said and I shook my head keeping my eyes tightly closed.

"You left me, purposely," I said and he buried his face in my hair. "I didn't." he didn't say it but I knew that's what he wanted to say. I knew everything about him. I knew his favorite color and what kinds of jeans he loved to wear. I knew what days he liked best and I knew his favorite food. I knew exactly how to take care of him when he was sick and what soup he liked. I knew he didn't like anything to do with limes. And I knew he knew everything about me.

"I like having you with me," I said not wanting to make him hurt. The pain was double knowing he was hurting. If I hurt him I hurt myself twice as bad. It was something that came with the package deal of love. "I like being with you," he said quietly and I could hear the smile in his voice. The wonderful amazing sexy smile.

"Lair."

"Am not."

"Then stay, please,"

"Always." he said and I felt a tighter squeeze on my waist.

"You're going to leave now," I responded. He always left as soon as I opened my eyes.

"Not, really," he breathed.

"Will you come back," I asked, but I knew and he knew there was another meaning to the question.

"Of course," was his answer. I opened my eyes and for a moment I actually saw his dark green eyes staring back at me I blinked and realized it was only the neon color of the numbers on my alarm clock. My throat clogged. And my breath became heavier. My eyes prickled and tight pain formed in my chest. Tears started to pour out of my eyes and I did the best to hold them back.

"Edward," I sobbed as I squeezed the pillow tighter as though it was him and I could keep him here with me.

.

.

.

"You're an idiot," I say to him as we walk hand in hand along the quiet street.

"Yes, but you know what's the best part?" he asks me as I lean into his shoulder. "What?" I say skeptically.

"That you fell in love with me," he says and I laugh. I can't help but laugh when I'm with him. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like it's only us and no matter what we will always just be us. I sigh knowing we are avoiding a subject that we both don't really want to talk about but know we have to.

"I won't marry you unless you go," I tell him and he sighs.

"I told you I don't want to go. Can't you just be happy?" he says staring at me. I look away from his eyes knowing they have such a strong affect on me. I couldn't though not really. I am coming in between his dreams and I feel guilt taking me over. I was upset at first when I learned I would be away from him for my college years. I was more afraid because people change. I know now that we really love each other and I am okay with it. Nothing can or will come between us.

"Edward, it's what you want. I'll still be waiting. It's our future!" I argue with him.

"I don't want to go there. I can easily just start school here," he retorts back at me. He is giving me a migraine. Why must he be so stubborn?

"That's not the point. You wanted to go since forever; it's been your dream since way before you met me. I'm not going to let you ruin it," I grab his face in my hands. I need for him to understand me right now? I need to tell him this and make sure he won't ever forget.

"I love you, I'll wait for you and when you come back, we'll get married, and we'll go off together," I tell him and he smiles at me. His green eyes sparkling, the amazing green eyes I fell in love with.

"I can't bear to leave you. Ever," He takes a deep breath and looks at me and then looks away before he continues, "Come with me?" he says quietly and I am shocked.

"Edward I can't I have to finish my-" but I am cut off when he presses his lips to mine. There is desperation in this kiss and amazing power in it. His lips completely warm mine which froze in the cold weather.

He pulls away after a moment but I'm still in a daze. "I will never leave you, it's a promise. So either I stay or you come. If you can wait for me then I can wait for you," he says with a smirk and I glare at him.

He never breaks his promises, I knew that.

.

.

.

Edward was a senior then. He was graduating, wanting to go Dartmouth since he started freshman year. He didn't want a whole country to come between us, but he wanted it. He was accepted.

"Bells," her tinkling voice came into my bedroom and she sat on the bed making my body jump. I was supposed to get up but it was too hard and the tears had made me tired again. So I didn't bother. What was the point? There wasn't really a reason to get up and do anything.

She started to shake my shoulder and I ignored her.

"Bella come on it's time to get up," she said with a tired sigh and I nodded and I lifted myself from the bed.

She looked me in the eyes, hers having the same green tinkle his had. Hers was different though. Hers were lighter and his were dark.

"Bella I love him too, but you have to move on. It's been 6 months, Bella." she said quietly and I shook my head.

"Alice you weren't there, he didn't DIE in your hands," I snapped and got up from the bed. "Bella!" she called out to me but I ignored her as I slammed the door to the bathroom. I felt her knock on the door.

"Bella! He is my god damn brother, it's hurting all of us but you can't continue like this it's unhealthy," she said knocking harder.

"Maybe you just didn't love him as much as I did," I said and the quiet knocking stopped. It was quiet for about a minute before she responded again.

"To hell with you," she cursed and I heard her footsteps as she walked away. Quickly I threw open the door. "I'm sorry!" I yelled but the front door slammed and it echoed through out the whole house. I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair. I was being horrible I knew that. It wasn't completely my fault. Sometimes I had no control over my words or actions. It had been worse the first couple of months. I used violence and hurtful words. I threw them at anyone who bothered to say they understood.

I sighed and leaned against the wall as I slid to the ground. I wasn't going to cry. Not anymore I was done with crying. I hadn't cried at the wake or at the burial, I hadn't cried during the first couple of months and I only cried after I accepted he was no longer with me. I cried for weeks when it finally settled in and then I heard his voice. I felt his presence. It felt like the rays of the sun on my skin, like the droplets of rain, the slap of the wind, the caress of a light breeze. It was wonderful and frightening and amazing at the same time

I was scared because I was going crazy, I was hearing things, but I knew I wasn't. It was him with me. Inside me. He was everywhere and I knew he hadn't left me, not entirely.

That was the only way I was able to return to a somewhat normal schedule. I went back to work and came home and ate and went back to bed. I started to live again, but it was living without a soul, without anything in me.

It wasn't really much of a life but as much as I wanted to I couldn't just abandon my whole life. It felt wrong to live the life I had built with him. He no longer lived it so why should I?

But of course I couldn't make my mother or my father of any of the in laws that had become so much more than family to me, I couldn't make them hurt anymore than what had already happened.

So I hugged my knees to my chest and waited. It took forty five seconds in counting.

The front door opened slowly and I could hear the creak in the hinges. Then the small light footsteps followed behind. The door closed again and I sat still afraid if I moved she would leave. I felt her shadow looming over me. I lifted my head and she was glaring down on me. When she seen me she sighed and slid down against the wall on the other side of me.

We sat in the hallway not moving or talking. It didn't even seem like we were breathing.

"I'm sorry. What I said was stupid and I didn't mean. I know you're probably tired of hearing those words…but I don't know what else I could do," I whispered finally. This wouldn't have been the first time I had lashed out at Alice. It wouldn't be the first time she sent me to hell and it wouldn't be the first time I apologized for it.

"No, Bella. I know…I love Edward and I haven't completely gotten over it myself. I keep thinking he's away for some reason and he'll be back. He'll come back and none of this would matter," she said and took in a sharp breath.

"I know. But Alice I am sorry," I whispered again.

She just shrugged not fully accepting my apology. The words had hurt her. I knew that.

"But telling me to move on," I continued quietly in the small hall, "How would you move on if you had to live without Jazz? Would you be able to do it?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. When she opened her eyes again there was fire raging behind them.

"I don't know, but I sure as hell wouldn't be cursing out his family and saying stupid things like 'maybe you just didn't love him'. You couldn't be more wrong or stupid," she snapped and I nodded. "I know," was my response.

"Bella I'm just saying, that I know Edward. He doesn't want you to live like this," she told me. She was the only person that never spoke of him as past tense. He was still her brother and so she wouldn't say were or was when talking about him. I couldn't even do that.

"He doesn't have a say so in my life," I said angry at him. I had been angry at him since that day. I was upset with him and hurt by him and he would never come back to try and make it up to me.

I suddenly felt very cold. A chill went down my back and I felt completely empty. My words had hurt more than just Alice.

"Bella," Alice said softly and the tone of her voice and the emptiness and chill and stupid words and actions, the memories and images were just too much and I broke down. I cried and I felt her arms wrap around me.

"Bella," Alice said but it was mixed with another voice. A heavier deeper one and their voices mixed in harmony. I shut my eyes tight and hugged Alice a little tighter. She couldn't hear him but I could. I could feel him back.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to both of them.

**Okay this is something I have been throwing together for a while and I know that some may not want to read it because Edward's not exactly alive, but trust me that isn't really a big factor in this story because I myself am in love with him and couldn't bare to have a story with out him being a major character. **

**So please review and check it out for me. If you like it I'll post the next chapter really super soon and if you don't then I'll probably make it a one shot. Tell me what you think please. **

**This story is also ALL HUMAN. **

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya**


	2. Tutoring

2.

The day had been exhausting. I missed my old job but since I missed too many days I was fired. Instead I took a job in a day care. Kids weren't my favorite people in the world but when you put aside the screaming and messiness they were adorable.

Anxious to get into bed I striped and threw a t shirt over my head before climbing in and closing my eyes. All I had to do was wait he would come.

My body was tired and my head throbbed and I fell into a peaceful calm before he came to me, but I was wide awake when I felt his warmth and his breath. He was here. He always was.

"How was work?" he asked slowly and I could hear the faintest hint of pain in his voice.

"Fine, I was thrown up on," I said and I could _feel_ him smile.

"You don't hate them as much as you would like, you love them," he said softly and I shook my head. I was comfortable right now. I was actually happy and that was something really rare to me. I could feel my heart beat again when he was here with me. He traced my arm with his long slender fingers making me shiver and my skin form goose bumps.

"Yes, you do. Especially the Gloria girl," he whispered in my ear and I stiffened. Amazing sometimes, he wasn't even…alive and yet he knew everything about me still.

Gloria was a toddler. She was pretty with red locks of hair and bright green hazel eyes. Her cheeks were always warmed with a blush and it was hard to keep the smile off of her face. Everything you did, everything you did brought one of those chiming giggles.

"That's only because…she reminds me of you," I whispered back. I heard him sigh and I felt the tears prickle my eyes. "Bella…" he started but I didn't want to talk anymore. I didn't want to cry in front of him.

"Just, hold me. Please," I begged and heard him take another breath before my waist was held and I could feel his chest against my back.

Slowly I began to fall asleep in his arms but before I fell into total unconsciousness the grip on my waist was gone and I felt very cold. I knew he was gone. Again.

.

.

.

"To undo the problem you must do what?" I ask is a tired voice.

"Who god damn cares, I know the answer is seven," She says while popping her bubble gum. I sigh.

"That's not the point you have to learn how to do the problem, what if it's longer like this," I scribble down another longer equation.

"I don't know how to do that shit," she complains and I sigh again.

"That's why you have to learn the basics, so you find the variable if the problem is like this," I try to explain for the hundredth time already. I don't even know how I was dragged into tutoring. There is the part where this looks good on a college application but having to deal with her is not worth it.

"Why, s'not like well ever use this stuff in real life," she says and starts to examine her manicured nails. _This is so not worth it_.

"It's not that hard," I say to her and she looks at me like I told her the north pole is a vacation spot with sand and beaches and hot springs.

"Look, Bella…can't I just let someone do my homework so that way you get your stupid points and I can get the hell out of here," she says with a smile. I grit my teeth. The offer sounds really good right now.

"No," I say with stiffness in my voice. She sighs and leans back in her chair.

"Hey Kristy," a deep male voice says and I look up to see _him_.

Edward Cullen. A junior, a straight 'A' student, a popular and everything else you want to describe him as. I glare at him; I don't need more distraction with the girl. She smiles up at him and bats her eyelashes in a flirty way. She's in junior high for Christ's sake.

"Hello Bella," he says to me and I look away so the blush won't light my cheeks. I don't like Edward Cullen, he's not a jerk, but I can't like Edward Cullen. I need a clear head.

I hear Kristy scoff as she once again leans back in her chair.

"You giving Bella a problem?" he asks and she just shrugs. What is he talking about?

"I like my sessions with you better," she says and I roll my eyes. "So do I," I mutter under my breath. He laughs and glances at the paper.

"We'll if you don't learn this stuff, the session with me will be very confusing, I was hoping for your next partner to cover this stuff because in my lesson I'm not teaching you this," he says to her and glances at me. He meets my eyes and smiles before looking back at her.

Kristy sighs and sits up in her chair. "I'm sorry Bella can we start again?" she says reluctantly and I stare at her in surprise.

"Um, sure," I tell her.

"Edward will you stay?" she asks him and he looks at me.

"If it's okay with Bella, she's the leader here," he says and looks at me with his dark green eyes. My breath gets a little faster and I look away. "That's fine but no distractions," I tease him and he laughs.

By the end of the hour, we have Kristy memorizing this stuff. She was actually laughing and being a…_nice_ kid. I didn't think she could be like that. When a horn interrupts us she looks at her phone and sighs.

"I have to go, it's my mom," she says and throws everything in her book bag and snatches her purse away while she runs toward the exit.

I realize she has left me alone with Edward. I blush again and start to gather my things.

"Thanks for your um…help," I say and he shrugs.

"Kristy can be a pain sometimes," he laughs and smiles at me. I really love his smile.

"Yes, the only reason she wasn't is cause she has a crush on you," I say and he blushes just a bit.

"No, I'm just a really good tutor," he teases. I roll my eyes.

"Right so the fact that you can get any girl you want has no affect on the matter," I say then blush when I realize how blunt I was. He laughs a bit and I smile sheepishly.

"Not every girl," he says and then looks away from my eyes. I cough a little embarrassed and start to pack my things a little faster. When I get everything in my book bag I sling it over my shoulder and look at my feet.

"Well um…I better go," I say to him and start to walk away.

My heart beating twice as hard with every step away.

.

.

.

"Why don't you get back into it?" Alice asked while sitting at my table.

"I don't think I can," I sighed. Why did she have to bring this up? I finished cutting the carrots and placed them in the bowl.

"Edward loves your cooking… he doesn't want you to give it up," she said flipping through a magazine.

"How do you know?!" I asked sharply sick of the way she talked about him. She stared at me with wide eyes.

"I'm his sister, I would" she said her eyes getting a knowing look.

"You _were_ his sister. Alice stop speaking about him like he was still here. He's gone, embrace that, because I have," I said coldly as I grabbed the next ingredient and started chopping it.

She didn't say anything she stood quiet and said nothing. I didn't let tears trickle down my eyes. I wouldn't allow it. I wasn't about to cry anymore.

"He will always be my brother dead or alive," she said and I could see her fist holding the paper of the magazine tightly. I sighed. I had to control my stupid mouth.

"I know I'm sorry," I said but it was a routine thing. I don't think I even meant it. It was hard to cook, because every time I tried I remembered all the times he came into the kitchen with me. The way his arms would go around my waist or the way he always kissed my hair or my cheek or my lips.

I remembered the food fight we had with butter and when we both fell on the floor because he spilled milk and I dragged him to the floor along with me. I heard his laugh and saw his smile every time I entered the kitchen.

But right now at this very moment, I could feel his head on my shoulder and arms around my waist while he watched me chop the potatoes. I leaned into him and sighed. A small smile playing on my lips.

"Be nice," he whispered and I sighed again.

"I'm sorry," I said again, not sure who I was talking to but I sounded sincere. I meant it.

She looked up at me, but she only saw me. She didn't see him, I didn't really see him, I just felt him. It felt nice to not be completely alone. She just shrugged, not accepting my apology. She never did.

"She could be nice too," I grumbled under my breath so only he heard. He chuckled.

"Alice doesn't like to accept something she knows isn't true. She'll accept your apology when you absolutely mean it," he explained and I nodded. I knew how Alice was like.

I felt feather light kisses on my neck and then he spoke again.

"She's right though, I don't want you to give up cooking," he breathed making the hair on the back on my neck rise.

I closed my eyes and leaned on the counter for support. I felt one more kiss and then his warmth, his presence. It wasn't there anymore. It was gone.

It was such a difference, when he was here and when he was gone. It was like entering a warm room after being in the cold for hours. You get so use to the cold you start to go numb and you can't feel anything anymore but then you enter a room with a heater and the prickles of pain hit you everywhere and you start to feel all the numbness.

I don't think he knew how much it hurt to keep living like this but it did. I couldn't tell him because I was afraid he'd leave forever. Sometimes I don't think I really accepted his death. I kept thinking this was one of those dreams that just seem so real but then you snap into reality and can say to yourself 'It's just a dream'. I kept waiting for that part. The part when I would wake up. Still I knew that part would never come and it was hard.

"I don't think I'm ready to go back to cooking," I sighed and Alice smiled at me.

"Will you think about it?" she asked and I nodded.

"That's all I'm asking. Do you need help with anything?" she asked and I looked around the kitchen. I could almost see _him_ peeling potatoes or trying to season some kind of meat. I could see him look over at me and wink. I closed my eyes from the sight and looked back at her.

"Um, yea can you start peeling the rest of these for the salad?" I said and handed her the cucumbers. She nodded and took the bowl.

I looked around my kitchen one more time and sighed. I could see him by the stove stirring whatever was in the pot. I could see him stealing glances at me. I could hear his laugh and I could see him telling me he loved me.

He did love me, but he wasn't here anymore.

**Wow thanks for all the reviews guys telling me to continue. I know it's sad but if you stick with me, it's not that bad trust me.  
A lot of people wanted to know how Edward died and it will be answered in future chapters, so stick with me. **

**Thanks a ton and please review! **

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya**


	3. Ice

3.

I smiled.

Tomorrow I didn't have to get up early and I could sleep in. I climbed into bed and lay down. I rested my head on the pillows. I watched the alarm clock switch to nine and closed my eyes.

I saw him. I saw his lovely smile, his tousled hair, and his amazing eyes. I saw everything. I smiled a bit more and waited for him.

I felt the minutes go by. I tuned over and tried to wait again. He still wasn't here. I turned over again and again.

When I opened my eyes again it was ten. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath a tried to go to sleep with no prevail. I spent the whole night tossing and turning. He didn't come. I didn't feel him anywhere. I felt cold and empty and sick. My mouth became dry and then flooded with salvia.

I threw the covers off of me and ran to the bathroom. I threw up. Stomach heaving and my breaths becoming quicker. The pain was horrible. I had nothing more to give up but I kept hurling. I felt like I wouldn't stop until my entire stomach was gone.

When I finished I breathed as evenly as I could and washed my mouth out. Then I started to cry.

Tears flooded my eyes and trickled down my checks.

Why wasn't he here? Why wasn't he standing next to me and holding my hair? Why wasn't he rubbing my shoulders and urging me to get back to bed. Why did he leave?

Better yet, why did he come back? Why did he make moving on and forgetting him that much harder? Then why would he disappear without a word? He still had me wrapped around his finger and he didn't even know. He didn't even know how much power he had over me. He didn't mean to hurt me, I know but he did.

I curled in a ball on the bathroom floor and just cried.

_He's not here_, I repeated over and over in my head. Trying to get the message clear but I couldn't.

Still I fell asleep on the bathroom floor instead of having to go back to the empty bed.

When I woke up the next morning he wasn't with me. He didn't come back to me.

I had to face the fact that maybe he was finally gone. Maybe he wasn't going to be with me anymore. How was he with me in the first place? I couldn't answer that question I didn't really know or care. I was happy that he hadn't left completely but now I wondered how.

Maybe I just loved him too much for me to let go completely.

Still the whole day was spent lying in bed. I didn't throw up again. I didn't feel sick either. I watched old movies and cried during all of them.

Alice called and so did Rosalie. I even got a call from Emmett and my mom but ignored them.

When the night came back again. I couldn't keep the sob in my throat. For the first time in a long time, I lay in bed and called his cell phone. I hadn't shut it off. I paid for it even though no one used it.

I called his phone and listened to the voice mail.

"Hey you reached Edward. Couldn't answer the phone so please leave a message." It was simple and short but I heard his voice. So with me redialing the number over and over again I feel asleep alone for the first time I could remember.

0.o.0.o.0

"Do you want a cookie?" I asked the little girl as she finished up her lunch. She smiled a big toothy grin and nodded her head. I laughed and went to pick the try of cookies.

"What kind of Gloria?" I asked and held the tray out. She picked out a chocolate one and began to munch on it when I heard the bells of the door start ringing.

A woman that seemed to be a bit younger than me walked in. She brushed off the snow from her jacket and looked up. I knew her face from somewhere but I couldn't place it.

She smiled and I heard Gloria laughing as she got up from her chair and ran to the woman. Was this Gloria's mother?

I wouldn't know because I never met her mother. Her father usually came to pick Gloria up. I examined the mother and could see the resemblance. Not as much as I could with the father but I could see Gloria and her shared the same eyes color and the same nose and cheek bones.

"Hi, I'm Kristine," she said and held out a hand.

"Hi, I'm Bella," I said and forced a smile on my face. It was always hard to smile at people.

"I don't think I've seen you here before," the lady said and I shook my head. "No I started last month. I've only ever met Gloria's father," I explained while she signed in on the sheet.

"Oh, well I got out of work early today. Usually Kevin gets out before me," she said and I nodded as I continued to study her. I knew her face but I couldn't imagine where I would have met this woman before.

"I'm sorry but you look so familiar," she said as she studied me.

"I was going to say the same thing," I laughed. It wasn't really a real one just a laugh with no amusement or feeling.

Kristine joined in as she put the coat on Gloria and began to button her up. Then it suddenly hit me in where I would know her from. Images flashed in my head my I shook them away. I didn't want to remember them now.

"You wouldn't happen to Kristy Evans right?" I asked as my eyebrows bunched. She laughed and shook her head and I felt the warm blush heat my cheeks at my mistake.

"No, now I'm Kristy Woods. I got married," she said and my eyes widened.

"Wow I'm Bella Cu—," I cut myself off before I could finish the sentence. It hurt too much to say even his last name. It hurt to know I was still his even though he wasn't mine. Not anymore.

"Bella Swan. I remember you. You use to tutor me. I heard you married Edward, I was so jealous when I heard you guys were dating. I use to have the biggest crush on him in 8th grade. It even continued on when I was a freshman. Wow, how is he?" she asked and her eyes glittered.

I coughed and looked away.

"He…um…he past away in June," I said my eyes watering and my heart growing heavy. I heard her gasp.

When I looked at her she had Gloria in her arms and was looking down at her feet. She looked up and I could see grief and pity in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered and I shrugged.

How was I supposed respond?

"Well I better go I have to get dinner ready for…Kevin. I'll see you around Bella." I nodded and she smiled but it was just as forced as the ones I had always put on.

"Oh and I never got to thank you for the tutoring. It really helped me a lot. I mean now I'm a manger at Macy's. So really thanks," she said and walked out the door.

I sat down on one of the tiny chairs and looked at nothing. When Lucy walked in I stood up and grabbed my coat and walked out of the daycare.

Kristy was two years younger than me and yet she had a husband and an adorable daughter and a wonderful life.

It was too much to take in, knowing I really couldn't have that.

That night I rummaged into his drawers. I never really went in there but I had to. I found one of his t shirts and threw it over me. It stilled smelled like him.

It smelled like soap and cologne and honey. I never understood how he smelled like honey but I loved his smell. It surrounded and made me feel a little less alone.

I looked at the bed. It was made for two people not one. Still only one person slept in there. But instead of crawling on my side of the bed I crawled in on his. I wasn't ready to accept the fact that he was gone. That he wasn't with me anymore.

His pillows smelled clean and like soup. Mine smelled like perfume and shampoo. His side was colder than mine but I threw the covers over and cuddled into a ball. I smelled his scent all around me and felt at peace.

Then I felt warmth and strong arms over mine. I felt his breath on my neck and his chest pressed against my back. I should have been angry at him but I couldn't. I was just happy he was here.

"You're sleeping in my spot," he whispered and I smiled.

"Do you mind?" I asked and heard him laugh. "No, not at all."

"Good, because I'm not moving."

"You're wearing my shirt," he said and I shrugged. "It fits," was my only explanation. "Plus I always were your shirts," I added.

"True." He said and felt his fingers over mine.

"Where have you been?" I asked and felt him squeeze tighter.

"Teaching you a lesson."

"On what?!" I asked and he laughed a humorless laugh.

"That I'm no longer here Bella. You have no ties to me." he said with pain and I shook my head. I did have ties on him. Forever.

"Yes I do. That's why you come back" I muttered into his pillow and heard him take a deep breath.

"I can't always be back. I can't always be here forever," he said and I shook my head.

"What are you trying to tell me?" I asked and he laughed.

"Have you tried getting back into dating?" he asked and my eyes flew open. I wanted to look at him but I knew he wouldn't be there if I did.

I closed my eyes again and took a calming breath.

"No, I'm afraid you'll be jealous," I said teasing him and felt his arms on mine. He squeezed a bit and then buried his face in my hair.

"Immensely so, but it's better for you. I'm giving you permission," he said and I felt tears well in my eyes. "I don't want anybody else. I only want you. No one can make me as happy as you can," I said and he laughed.

"Bella how do you know that? you didn't know that when we first started out," he said a smile in his voice.

"You were too pushy. I had to give you a chance. Then again how did any girl _not_ fall in love with Edward Cullen," I said the name stinging on my tongue. He chuckled.

"That maybe but you're the only girl who I fell in love with. Bella it won't be cheating if you give someone another chance," he said softly and I felt a kiss on my neck.

"I don't want to…" I whispered and let the tears stroll down my cheeks and soak his pillow. I could feel the wetness against my cheek.

"Not everyone will hurt you," he whispered against my hair and I let the tears continue.

"I can't know that," I breathed. I had believed him before but I should have known he would have been wrong.

.

.

.

"Why don't you give me a chance?" he asks me as I walk to my truck. I sigh yet again.

"Edward, really is this some kind of joke?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"Bella if this was a joke don't you think I would have gave up a week ago?" he asks and I glare at him. "You are a pain!" I say and walk away from him. It does not surprise me that he chose to follow me.

"Why won't you though? Can you at least answer that? It's not like I'm a complete stranger! I mean we've been tutoring Kristy together for a week!" he says and I stop to look at him.

His green eyes made my heart pump harder than I thought could be healthy. Most girls wouldn't give up the chance to go out with the famous Edward Cullen, but I did.

I don't need his distractions. I don't need to like him as much as I do and I don't need to the feel the urge to give up and just let him take me on a date.

"Edward, why can't you just leave me alone?" I ask just as seriously as he did a moment ago.

"Because Bella I really like you. All I'm asking is for one date and then after that you can tell me no as many times as you like," he says but I catch the glint in his eyes. He won't leave me alone.

"Aren't there plenty of pretty Junior girls you can play a joke on? Or better yet Freshman? Why do you have to pick on me?" I ask and he sighs as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Bella this is not a joke! I really like you, can't you just accept that?" he tells me his voice raising a fraction. I did find it hard to accept. Why did he like me?

A normal average sophomore! There are pretty seniors that drool after him and flimsy freshman that worship him. Yet he chooses to pick on me.

"Yes, I do" I say and my breath forms around my face as I turn on my heel and walk away but I did not pay attention to where I was walking and slid on ice.

I start to fall back wards but before I could reach the ground Edward wraps his arms around me. Still on this ice we can't keep steady and start to slip. He positions himself so that he is the first to fall and then I fall on top of him.

We sit on the cold ice taking in on what just happened.

I start to laugh and I can't control myself. He joins me and we both laugh at what just happened.

I get off of him and start to stand up. I get to my feet and offer him a hand.

"No, I'll just drag you down again," he laughs and gets on his own. I notice how he winces when he used his arm to get to his knees.

"Thank you," I say trying to look at his arm as he gets up. He smiles and shrugs.

Then I see it. I could see blood seeping through his shirt.

"Oh you're hurt," I say as I reach for his arm but he pulls it back. "It's fine, just a little scrapped," he says and I glare.

"Let me see it," I say and he sighs as he gives me his arm. I start to pull his shirt arm up. He has a small cut on his elbow, but it is bleeding.

"Why are you out without a coat?" I ask and he shrugs.

"It's in my car. Which is next to yours so…"

I shake my head at his foolishness. "Come on I have a first aid kit in my truck," I say and hold his hand as I lead him toward my car. His hand feels warm in mine and I could feel him wrapping his hand on mine. I look over my shoulder at him but he just smiles.

When I get to my car I look in glove compartment for the kit. I find it and start to attend to his wound.

"Why do you have a first aid kit in your car?" he questions and I smile at him while dapping the peroxide. "I fall down a lot," I tell him and he nods.

"I noticed," he tells me and I blush. When the wound is clean I place a band aid on it and lean back on my chair. He rolls down his shirt sleeve and leans on his car. "Thanks," he says and I shrug missing his close proximity.

"So can I thank you by taking you to dinner?" he asks rising and eyebrow. I look away from him.

"I don't know," I say staring at my hands.

I feel his warm hand caress my cheek and he is right in front of me again.

"It's not a bad thing to get close to someone, Bella," he says and I want to look away but I can't.

"It can be," I say softly.

"I won't hurt you, I promise," he says and his thumb rubs calming circles on my cheek. I lean into his touch without realizing it. He leans a little closer and his breath fans out. It smells sweet and minty and it's cold like ice.

His nose touches mine and my eyes drop.

"Edward I…" but I forget what I wanted to say. He is so close and I can smell his wonderful scent…a little farther and I…

"Well sorry for the interruption but I would like to get home," a tingling voice says. I pull back and so does Edward. He coughs and his cheeks turn pink. Alice stands with her hands on her hips smiling at us.

"Friday at eight?" he says and I nod my head.

He smiles and walks around to his driver's side while Alice gets in the passenger seat. He pulls out and drives away while I sit in the car watching him. Eventually the cold gets to me and I turn in my seat and close the door as I start the car and drive home.

I knew then, that despite his promises Edward would hurt me one day.

.

.

.

**Okay thanks for the awesome reviews guys. And I just wanted to give you a heads up. When you see text in these three dots**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**(TEXT)**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**It indicates a flash back and end flash back. Plus the tense changes to present. So that's how you know it's a flash back. You will learn all of Edward and Bella's story during these. Anyway thank you for the reviews. I love them and I hope you do them again.**

**Hope everyone had a great Christmas and Happy Holidays. **

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya.**


	4. Cake

4.

"I can't believe it! I can't believe that you're going back to cooking! Aren't you excited?" Alice asked as she ripped the lettuce sitting at her kitchen table. I loved Alice's kitchen. I had always loved her kitchen. The size and the space.

Of course it always went to waste on her. She wasn't much of a homemaker.

"I am. It might be nice to get back in a kitchen and have people enjoy my work," I said but with out much enthusiasm. I broke apart the green pepper in my hand and heard the crunch underneath my fingertips.

"I know Edward is so proud," she said with a grin and I managed a smile at her while I concentrated on chopping the pepper. I always found it amazing that even though I was clumsy beyond reason, in the kitchen I was skilled and almost graceful. It was a love of mine. I enjoyed creating new things and having people love them. I had given it up, because it didn't bring me joy anymore. Only sad memories, but I had to realize at sometime I just couldn't stop my life. I had to keep going even if I didn't want to. Even if it seemed impossible or unfair.

"I hope," I teased and she rolled her eyes.

"So details?" she asked.

"Not much to tell. I told Charlie I wanted to get back to cooking and he pulled a few strings. His friend Billy owns a small restaurant and said he could use a new cook. So I start next week," I said and she sighed as she looked at me.

"Congratulations," she said sincerely but her voice was mixed with a heavier deeper smoother voice. I looked up expecting him to be there but of course he wasn't. It was just her.

"Thanks."

"So Billy? Doesn't he have a son?" she asked and my shoulders tense.

"Yea, um Jacob. I think he's dating someone right now," I said quickly knowing where this subject was going.

"Oh what a shame. But really I know this guy that would be amazing for you Bella. He's really artsy and smart. I think you-"

"No I wouldn't." I cut her off quick and sharp.

"Bella you should give him-"

"No," I said staring at her coldly. She looked at me with wide eyes and nodded. "Okay, I was-"

"I know but I'm not ready yet. I'm sorry," I said and took a deep breath as I continued to cut the peppers.

"Hey girlies!" Rosalie squealed as she ran into the kitchen. Alice and I both looked up.

She sat at the table next to Alice while I stood by the island and placed my knife down as I looked her. She wore a huge grin and her face was glowing.

"What's up?" Alice asked as she handed her the lettuce and started on tomatoes.

"Oh nothing," she sighed and held out her hand for the lettuce. The light reflected off of something on her hand and I heard Alice gasp!

"No freaking way!" she squealed and grabbed Rosalie's hand. I walked over to see an engagement ring shining brightly on her third finger.

"He proposed!" Rose sang along with Alice.

"Oh my god, welcome to the family," she said and held out her arms and Rosalie gladly went into them. "It's about time my stupid brother popped the question," she said hugging Rosalie tightly.

I stood still in a daze. Emmett had proposed. Rosalie would be more of a Cullen than I would. She was part of the family.

"Bella you've been so quite! What do you think?" Rose asked with a wide grin and hopeful violet eyes. I stood staring at her with wide eyes.

"I think…I think I need a drink," I said and rushed to the cabinet.

The girls laughed.

"I was starting to think it would never happen. I mean with what happened, he was so…depressed," she said in a small whisper. I stopped halfway to the cabinet.

"You mean Edward's death?" I said and turned to face her. She looked down at her hands. Alice glared at me and I couldn't take anymore.

"Bella just because you act like life is over doesn't mean it applies to everyone else. Learn to move on," Alice snapped and my eyes started to tear. Not from sadness but from anger. I pursed my lips nodded and started to walk to the front door.

"Bella!" Rosalie called but I ignored her.

I made it to the front door before she grabbed my arm.

"Come on Bella, she didn't mean it. It's just…I gets tiring." she said softly and I nodded. "Well I would love to see her in my place. I would love to see everyone in my place and see how god damn well they handle it." I snarled and Rosalie sighed.

"We know Bella. It's been tough on all of us. Everyone's been dealing with it a different way. Alice hates thinking of him as dead and you just keep reminding her. It hurts her too. Edward and Alice connected. They were like twins; he never treated her like the younger sibling. Not like Emmett did," she whispered. I nodded.

"I know. Look Rosie I'm happy for you really. It's about time, but I just want to get home," I said and she looked at me with pleading eyes. I looked away and pulled my arm free. Then I closed the door softly behind.

I didn't go straight home.

I couldn't. Instead I drove to a near by park and got out of the car and started to walk around.

It was cold and with every breath a puff a smoke formed in front of me before the wind stole it away.

I walked alone with memories. I could hear the quite crunch under my feet and slowly snow started to fall. It landed on my coat and melted away. It stuck to my hair and turned into icy water on my cheeks mending well with the tears that joined them.

.

.

.

"So you and Edward, huh?" Rosalie asks me as she takes a seat across from me. I look from my book and smile at her.

"What are you talking about?" I say and fold a corner in my book to hold my place as I set it on my lap and she leans forward resting her elbows on the lunch table.

"Are you dating Edward?" she asks with a raise of her golden eyebrows. I laugh and shake my head.

"I went out with him two times. It doesn't necessarily mean we're dating," I tell her my cheeks getting pink.

"Right. But I mean you guys have been seeing each other much longer right? Do you ever see the way he looks at you?" she asks and I stare at her confused.

"Yeah, I mean he helped me with some stuff and we tutor Kristy together but what are you talking about? He doesn't look at me any different than he would you" I say.

"Well have you ever seen him look at you? He looks at you with so much…love and devotion. He's head over heels for you," she says and I almost spit out the juice I had drank. I cough and look at her. Was she _crazy_?

"Are you _crazy?! _He does not!_" _I shout and she rolls her dark eyes.

"He does. He barely takes his eyes off of you. When he looks at you…I mean it gives me shivers. I wish someone would look at me like that" she sighs and her eyes start to glaze and I roll my eyes at her.

"Please every guy in the school looks at you like that." I say to her and she shakes her head letting her pretty blonde curls spring in front of her.

"No that is a look of lust not love. I want love." She grumbles and pouts her pretty pink lips. I laugh at her silliness.

"You're absurd. Edward doesn't look at me like that, beside you know how I feel about love," I say to her my eyes glancing at the book in my lap.

Rosalie is my friend. She has been since eighth grade. I have told her everything. She is like my journal. She tells me everything in return and we have a strong friendship. The kind that people almost never find.

"I know, I know. But seriously Bella would it be so bad to have someone really like you? Love you even?" she asks and I sigh and look up at her. She just doesn't understand.

"People don't find love like in the stories. They don't find this kind of love," I say and hold up the book I am reading and she sighs.

"Love isn't what it's made up to be. It can tear people up inside and hurt them. It can change them it can play with them and kill them at times. Love is something I don't want," I say to her and she sighs again.

"Not everyone is like your mother Bella. Not everyone will leave," she says staring out into space frustrated with me, but she wasn't there. She didn't see the way my mother tore my father apart. I saw my father cry for the first time in my life.

"You don't know that!" I say to her and she just rolls her eyes.

"Well at least introduce me to his brother," she says and gently nudges my shoulder and I laugh. "Emmett Cullen? Really?" I ask and she gets a dreamy look on her face.

"He's so cute. I watch him play football. Well of course I do I'm a cheerleader but really he's amazing. He's funny and cute and smart, well sorta. And he's not a big jerk or bully either," she says with giggles. I smile at her. Rosalie is a good person she deserves someone who would love her. Who wouldn't break her heart.

I laugh and shake my head as I rise from the table.

"Rose, have some self-esteem. He would go for you in a minute," I say and she giggles again.

I pick up my book and start to walk away before she calls me.

"Bella,"

I turn to look at her.

"Try paying attention to his eyes a little more and you'll see what I mean," she says and I frown at her. She laughs and I walk to my next class.

.

"I think you got it," he says with a smirk and the blood rushes to my face. I try to look in his eyes and try to see what Rosalie does but I can't. Every time I stare into them I get a tingling everywhere and it makes me want to look away.

I cannot fall for Edward Cullen! It isn't possible, but as the days go by I find it harder and harder. Still I won't fall for him.

Three weeks ago Edward was a stranger but now he is a friend. He took me out and taught me how to dance after thousands of times of stepping on his feet but he hasn't asked for a third date.

I am glad and yet a bit disappointed. I want Edward to ask me out again. I enjoy being with him, but I don't want to fall for him and I don't want him to fall for me. Maybe he realizes we are better left off as friends. Maybe he finally sees that I am nothing special.

We have been tutoring Kristy together for two weeks and he's been coming to my house after school to help me with my Spanish. He is much better than me and I love having him as a tutor. He makes it fun.

"So you hungry?" I ask and he smiles. "A little," he says and I laugh and get off the floor and he follows.

"Well what do you want to eat?" I ask him and he stares at me for a minute before answering. "Let's bake something?" he says and I stare at him confused.

"Why?"

"I want to see you cook a _Pastel_," he says and I laugh.

"_Ayuda mi?_" I ask him in an accented Spanish. He laughs a bit and I blush, it maybe it accented but it sounded good to me.

"_Si,"_ he replies back and I smile. Our conversation may have sounded childish but I am finally getting the hang of it. Spanish is really the hardest language to learn. I want to make the cake from scratch but I don't have enough ingredients. So instead I take out the cake mix and began to pour it in the bowl.

He takes out the milk and we work in silence for a while.

"Stop it," I scold in a mocking way while he smiles. He licks the batter off of his finger and jumps on the counter.

"You sound like my mother," he teases and I look at him sternly.

"Well stop acting like a child," I tease back and he laughs. "Fine but I get to like the spoon," he says with a twinkle in his eyes and my throat clogs. It doesn't matter how he looks at me, I remind myself, and he doesn't feel any different about me than I do about him.

I swallow hard and hand Edward the pan.

"Here butter it," I say and he looks at me with raised eyebrow.

"Why don't you spray it?" he asks.

"I don't like to spray it, now butter it," I say.

"Why? Spraying it is easier!" he tells me and I sigh.

"I don't have the spray so butter it," I tell him again.

"But it's messy," he complains and I sigh and give him the bowl.

"Fine, finish mixing this and don't eat it," I say and go to the fridge to take out the butter. He sighs and places the bowl on the counter next to him as he jumps off of it and comes to my side.

"No you go mix and I'll butter the pan," he says and I smile.

Edward doesn't complain anymore as he starts to butter the pan. He wears a look of disgust on his face but he doesn't utter a word. I start to laugh as I pour the batter into the pan and he tries to wash the butter from his fingers.

"It won't come off," he says and I laugh harder.

"Use soap," I say and he mutters under his breath.

"Can you put the milk away," I ask while I place the cake in the oven. "Sure," he says with a bit of sarcasm. I shake my head a close the oven door. I turn around just as Edward drops the milk and it splatters over the floor.

"Edward?!" I shriek. I wasn't really angry more frustrated.

"My hands were slippery," he says and I take a step foreword to get the gallon that is now empty. It wasn't really my fault but as I take the step my foot starts to slip and I fall foreword. Edward reaches out but he can't hold me up either and we end up falling just like we did with the ice.

This time I hit the floor first and Edward lands on my side. I couldn't help it. My back is soaked with milk and my shirt is starting to get sticky but I can't help but laugh. It wasn't long before Edward joined me and we laughed together.

He lifts himself with one arm and hovers over me as he brushes a strand of hair away from my face with a smile on his face. His eyes glittering and it was then that I saw what Rosalie was talking about. His eyes are shining like bright emeralds as he glances down at me.

Suddenly all the time we have spent together rushes in my head. The first date when he takes me dancing. The tutoring sessions with Kristy, the tutoring sessions with me, the second date in the city, the small talks we had, the late night conversations on the computer, the jokes and the teasing in school. The sneaky looks he would pass at me.

His eyes bore into mine and I see every little thing he is feeling.

As though he is reading my mind, he says the words I fear out loud.

"I love you Bella," he whispers and lowers his eyes as if afraid to face me. I take in a sharp breath and he looks up to meet my eyes. I can't love him. I can't be hurt. I can't depend on one person and give them the ability to break my heart, to upset my world, with only a few words.

I can't have him love me. I can't hurt him either.

There is silence and I realize that he is waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say. I can't tell him I love him because I don't know if I do or more that I don't want to. If I avoid the subject maybe he will realize we are better off as friends and he really doesn't want me.

"I—Edward, I can't—" I don't get to finish the sentence because he crashes his lips to mine. My lips, my face, my fingers and every part of me lights on fire. Having never kissed a boy before I wasn't sure what I expected, but this was something I had only read in stories. I never thought it really happened. My fingers tie themselves in his soft silky hair and I could feel his lips move mine. I was stunned for only a second before I start to respond back.

I could feel his hand on my hip. He doesn't move it but it alights me again. His mouth is sweet on mine. He urges my mouth open and soon I am consumed by him.

He is everything I see, everything I feel.

After what seemed like a moment and forever he pulls back and we both breathe heavily. I stare into his eyes and see that nothing has changed. He still is looking at me like … like… like I hold his heart, like he loves me. Which he does, he just told me he does. My hands start to shake, because I now have control over his world. If what he told me is true, then I can hurt him as much as mother hurt my father.

I don't want to hurt him. My eyes start to fill with tears. Edward is too good to hurt.

"What's wrong?" he whispers.

"I wish you didn't love me," I say softly and he surprises me by laughing.

"It's a bit too late," he says and kisses my cheek softly.

"I think we should clean this up," he says and he starts to lift himself from the sticky floor which I now realize I am still laying in a puddle of milk.

He helps me get to my feet and my hair is dripping the white liquid. The heat rushes to my face on instinct and he laughs.

He holds my hands and looks at me for a minute before he smiles and holds me by the waist.

"I really do love you, Bella. It's not a joke," he says in an even more serious tone.

"I know, that's what I'm afraid of," I say as I nod.

He lifts my chin and places a second kiss on my lips.

.

.

.

I was right to be afraid of love.

I sat down on a bench watching the snowflakes fall. They were heavier clumps now and coming down faster then before. The sky was a clear blue grey and the snow rested on naked tree branches coating them with a thick white robe.

The snow played on the ground and covered the barren ground and asphalt walk way. They looked like feathers floating softly. They landed on my hair sticking and not melting away.

I hugged myself. It was cold but I was more cold inside than out. I missed him so much and sometimes I wish I cold wake up and just hold him for a few minutes. I wish he wasn't gone. I wish he was still here.

Tears started to pour down my face and leave cold wet trails down my flushed cheeks.

"Sometimes I wish you didn't love me," I heard him whisper and a sob escaped my chest.

"It's a bit too late," I said a puff of white following every word.

For the first time I could ever remember I got up and walked away from him. My head looking down at my feet and my arms around my body.

"Bella."

I stopped for a minute raising my head. I swallowed hard and forced my self to keep my feet moving and to ignore the voice that would always make my knees week.

It was the first time I was ever able to do that.

**I just want to say I am so so so sorry guys! I know that I haven't updated in a while but I have a very nice explanation. Okay first my computer was working badly. like I had half the chapter written and then the internet shut down. Then the computer stopped working. Then I left for a sleep over and when I came back I had a different computer, so all my files were gone! This meant I had to rewrite this chapter. Then I started school and that got harder to do! But I have finally finished it and now I have to go study for a history test tomorrow so. Review, PLEASE!!!**

**PS. Some of you may have noticed I took down a story, Love Forbid. I have taken that story down for personal reasons. I wish to make that my story my own after changing the characters and the plot a bit and I didn't want it on the internet. Anyway, I am sorry for the fans of the story but I hope you understand, and if you never read this story then this message will make no sense to you! :D!**

**Anyway don't forget to click the button and review!**

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya **


	5. Lullaby

5.

I sat on the small bench softly pressing the keys. I savored the smooth ivory underneath my fingertips and sighed.

It had been a while since I actually sit in this seat and even dared to play. I didn't know much. Just a few tones and little songs. I could play happy birthday the best.

Slowly I moved my fingers over the keys and opened his book. It was filled with his songs. His neat writing making magical waves of music across the page. The corners were filled with tiny notes. I had bought him the book for his birthday. A place where he could keep all of his music and it wouldn't get lost. He didn't actually need it. He memorized all his songs.

But he used it when trying to write a new one.

The pages where a bit folded and tired. I flipped until I found the page I wanted and opened it. It was his favorite piece and the way he played it would have you hypnotized. His fingers flew across keys with such grace, it was breathtaking. The only reason he wrote it down was for me. He had tried countless times to get me to play it.

I didn't even dare try to play it, now. I had one memory of the last time he played it and I wouldn't taint the music by messing it up. I just stared at the notes across the page. Memorizing them.

"It's not hard," he whispered his breath fanning across my warm cheek.

"Is so," I whispered back and he laughed.

"Do you know why this has always been my favorite?" he asked and I felt his fingers on mine. He pressed down and my finger hit a key filling the small room with a note, breaking the eerie quiet.

"No," I answered keeping my eyes closed as he pressed another one of my fingers. It was quiet as he led my fingers to the right keys and before I knew it I could hear the first few bars of the song. It filled the room. Quiet and gentle and so very beautiful.

My heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears.

"It was the first time you told me, you loved me," he said and I sighed as I took my fingers away from the piano, stopping the song suddenly. I flipped one leg over and straddled the bench as I turned away from him. The room seemed to have a heavy silence in the air.

I hugged myself tight and sighed.

"You always knew I loved you," I said and felt his head on my shoulder as his hands circled around me. "I still loved to hear you say it," he said and I felt a small shudder rip through me. "I do love you," I whispered and felt a small kiss on my neck.

He sighed and pressed my back to his chest as he buried his face in my hair.

"Bella," he sighed and I felt tears roll down my cheeks.

"Bella can you help me with the tree?" Alice asked from the other room and I took a deep breath and wiped the tears away from my flushed cheeks as I stood and left the room.

.

.

.

In the past two weeks, Edward has not stopped to make everyone know he's mine.

He holds my hand as he walks me to class, he sits with me at the lunch room and we spend the entire period talking about everything, from classes to teachers to family to friends.

He picks me up and drops me off. He comes in everyday after school and he helps with me with my homework. He takes me to the theaters and he calls me every night. We spend an hour talking and when Charlie or Esme yells at us to get off. We stay up half the night on the computer.

He helps with my spainish and I am actually getting a B. I constantly flood Edward with questions like, what's this in spanish, what's that in spanish, how do you say this. He laughs at my curosity but told me.

He tells me he loves me constantly and even though I don't say it back he accepts that. He claims he doesn't care but I could tell every time he tells me he wants to hear it back.

The only problem is, I don't know if I do. I don't know what love is.

I'm still not sure if love exists. I want to believe Edward every time he tells me, that he loves me, but I can't be sure he really does. How could I know if he loves me, if I myself don't know what love is?

How am I suppose to tell him I love him, when I wouldn't know if it was true or not?

I've been to Edward's house more times than I can count. It is huge and airy and I always feel at home in it. I've met Emmett and Alice. I've met Esme and Carlisle and I know I could never meet any person sweeter then they are.

Edward pulls into the driveway and I give him a curios look. "Is Esme home?" I ask as I unclick my seat belt. I hadn't seen her in days.

"No, but I wanted to show you something," he says and opened my door. He helps me out and holds my hand. "What?" I ask. He looks over his shoulder and smiles.

"C'mon I want to show you something," he says to me as he pulls me into his house.

"What?" I say again as he pulls me into a room. It's wide and open and the walls are replaced with huge windows letting the light shine all around. In the middle of the room stands a grand piano. I've been in this room as many times as I have come to Edward's house.

"Are you…," I let it trail off. Edward had been resisting to play the piano for me. I know he can play it because the only reason the Cullen's owns it is foe him.

Every time I ask Edward, he tells me to wait. The piano had always been my favorite type of music. The soft and sweet tones that came from it could lift my heart any day.

He takes my hand and we walk slowly to the bench. He sits and forces me to sit next to him. I am stunned. I have been wanting to hear him play forever.

"Is it the right time now?" I ask and he smiles as he places his fingers over the white ivory.

"I want you to listen to this," he whispers and starts to move his fingers, filling the room with soft tune of music.

It's a lullaby.

The music is soft and slow, but steadily starts to grow, faster and higher. It swirls and goes on.

I sit stunned as it continues to drift along and I watch as his fingers swiftly move across the keys and then take slower steps. The song has a note of sadness to it, but it's filled with joy and happiness too. A complexity of emotions seem to run through the song and my heart swells.

"It's for you," he says and my eyes grow wide as I listen even more closely.

My eyes start to tear and I have to look away from him. I close my eyes and just listen to the soft melody.

I can almost hear all the time we spent together. I can see everything that we have ever done, all the talks, all the jokes, all the touches, all the kisses, all the silly wonderful movements. All the times of saying "I love you." All the times of just being us, just being together. It is all woven into the pattern of the lullaby. Swirling and linking together to make one amazing song.

It starts to grow higher and when it seems to grow on, it reaches its climax and suddenly falls into a lower softer tone, it pauses and then the softer tones fill the room as it comes to an end.

I open my eyes which are full of tears. I stare at the white ivory keys and look at him. He is staring at me with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Do you like it?" he asks and I take a deep breath.

"I love it, I lo—" but I stop myself short. I stare at my hands and take a deeper breath. Because honestly there was no denying it now.

I look right into his emerald eyes and say it.

"I love you," I whisper and it suddenly feels like an understatement. What I thought was too strong a phase to say to a person other than family is now not enough. How ironic?

"I know," he simply says and I laugh. I laugh because even when I couldn't figure it out he could, I laugh because it feels good to just get it out there, it feels good to be in love.

I take his face in my hands and kiss him. Showing him just how much I do love him. And maybe this isn't really love and maybe it's just some sort of phrase, but right now all I can feel for him is love and it doesn't feel like it's ever going away.

It feels strong and it frightens me, but I love the feeling. I love him and somehow I just _know_ he feels the same way.

So I stop all thought and just kiss him. I feel his lips move against mine and I respond just as he does and we mimic each other's movements. A fire spreads through out my body, filling my lungs and burning my lips.

He pulls away with heavy breath and I blush.

Then he starts to laugh and I join in.

"Play it again," I say and he smiles as he positions his fingers and begins the slow melody, the complexity of emotion and love.

.

.

.

"Merry Christmas, Bella!" Esme sang as she hugged me tightly. For such a small women, she had strength. Alice was just like her.

"Oh, Merry Christmas," I said making sure to hold on to her. She felt so soft and warm and you could feel the love coming off her in waves. I loved feeling like this.

"Oh, come in darling, hurry," Esme said as she hustled me inside and out of the cold. I took a deep breath and could smell the lovely roast of ham and the sweetness of the pumpkin pie. I could hear the music playing from somewhere in the house and I could hear all the loud chatter.

My chest felt tight. This was our first Christmas with out him. Thanksgiving was worse. No one talked no one said anything. We sat and ate quietly all that was heard was the clinking of silverware on Esme holiday china.

This was his favorite holiday.

I glanced around the living room to see the tree brightly decorated and beautiful. The fireplace hung stockings and wreath hung above it. The stair case was intricate with white lights. The inside was beautiful but it was sad. Presents stood underneath the tree in different color wrapping paper.

"You out did yourself as always," I said and she laughed.

"Well you helped," she said and I shrugged.

"Only with the tree," I retorted.

I smiled at her but I could see her eyes were pale and dull. There was no light and I knew she was just as hollow as I was. She did a better job at keeping up and living her life. She couldn't stop everything in the middle despite her pain.

I felt ashamed.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered and she hugged me again.

"Oh, Bella," she said and I buried my face in her shoulder holding back the tears that threatened to fall over.

"Hey Ma," Emmett called from the kitchen and we broke apart our embrace.

"Coming," she called back and turned toward me.

She patted my cheek lightly and sighed. "No one blames you Bella. Don't hurt yourself even more," she breathed and walked away. I went to the tree and put my gifts under it. I smiled at the pictures on the mantle.

One of Alice, with her two front teeth missing and holding two dollars and another of Emmett holding a football and smiling like a fool. The other was of Edward and I.

It was when he was still a junior and I was still a sophomore. We were standing in front of snow covered trees, probably his backyard I didn't remember. He held me by my waist and my head was ducked underneath his chin. He smiled and his eyes were the brightest shade of green.

"Esme has a theme to her mantle pictures," a deep voice said behind me and I jumped. I hadn't realized that the frame had made its way into my hand. I quickly placed it back and turned around.

Carlisle was standing behind me looking at the photo of Emmett.

"Alice had lost her teeth and instead of being scared she was enthusiastic, Emmett had won his first football game, and Edward was with you," he said smiling at the picture.

"What's the theme?" I asked and he faced me.

"When the kids were at there happiest," he said and I felt more tears well up at my eyes.

I stared at the picture of Edward and me. The way his eyes glittered and how his face just glowed. Then I looked at me. Half my face hidden because it was buried in his chest.

My cheeks warm and my eyes lifted and bright. A wonderful smile playing at my lips.

We were always happier together.

Christmas dinner was better than what I have expected. It was full of chatter of the plans for Rosie's wedding. What types of flowers, what colors, what designs, all of it.

After dinner was time for opening presents. Everyone took a seat near the tree and Alice passed them out to everyone.

The paper was ripped and the room was filled with gasps and laughs and I tried to join along, but I couldn't. We thanked each other and pretty soon everyone was leaving.

"Be careful on your way home, Bella," Esme said and hugged me.

"I will. Merry Christmas," I said and walked to my car presents in hand.

I drove myself home in a dull state. I saw lights flash by and I was aware that Christmas music was playing in the car.

It didn't take long to get home and when I did I went straight to my bedroom. I threw my presents on the bed and just let the tears fall. Why wasn't here! Why did he leave _me_! He loved me god dammit he wasn't suppose to go.

That wasn't how it worked.

Anger and depression filling me I stormed into the living room, fully intending to get rid of every memory of him, no matter what it was but I was stopped short.

Underneath the small tree I had put up for him was a small silver square. I swallowed hard and all my intentions were gone. The tears stopped and I slowly walked toward the tree. I bent down lower and picked it up.

_To Bella,_  
_With all my love, Edward_

My breath had disappeared completely and my throat had gone dry. I knew Alice had to have put it here, but when…why would she do this. It was cruel. How had I gotten this from him? My head raced with questions but I couldn't make myself care enough to think about them.

Slowly I unwrapped what would be the last gift I ever received from him and stared at it.

It was a see through plain CD case. Inside was a plain CD. My hands started to shake as I opened it and grabbed the CD. I stood up and walked to the small stereo system I had. I placed the CD on and braced myself. I wasn't sure if I would hear maybe his voice, maybe just a bunch of our favorite songs, maybe...

With all the strength I had. I pressed play.

The room was quiet for about three seconds before my lullaby began to play. I gasped and a sob escaped my throat. My chest felt too tight and then I was on the couch. I hugged my knees and tried to hold myself together as the sobs shook me and the tears spilled free.

I hadn't heard this in six months. I didn't think I ever could.

"How could you?" I cried my voice horse from the tears.

"Bella," his voice was in my ear and my throat felt clogged and I couldn't breath. My shoulders shook hard and I thought my chest would break apart. Why wouldn't it? I leaned into the cushions and I could feel his fingers in my hair.

"Why?" I sobbed.

"I had no choice," he whispered and I shook my head.

"You did have a choice," I argued and heard his sigh. He didn't argue but he didn't leave. I could still feel him around me. That's what I needed. I needed him to just let me be angry at him, let me be depressed, let me cry, but I needed more and he couldn't give it to me. I needed him to be here, I needed him to sush me and kiss me and love me and he did none of that.

The tears and the pain didn't stop. My shoulders shook and the song continued to play.

No matter what though, the song still held the joy and love that it always had only now for the very first time since I could remember.

I didn't enjoy it.

**So sad, but despite the storyline it has a happy ending. And it's my kind of happy ending. **

**Anyway I was a bit distracted with school and family drama and crap so I'm sorry for the late update. **

**please review! it makes me feel better!**

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya**


	6. Cupcake

6.

_No I didn't want to relive this. I knew what was going to happen and my breath stopped. My lungs couldn't take in any air as I watched._

_His eyes widened in fear as he realized what was going to happen. The rain made a fuzzy barrier of water between us. He was going to do it! I cried out, begging him to stop, but it was too late. He couldn't stop now if he wanted to._

_I didn't want to see this. I had suffered it through it once, please God don't make do it again. I couldn't see it…_

"No!" I shouted as I sat on the bed. My heart sped and everything became hazy as the tears filled my eyes. My heart was racing a mile a minute and I laid back down. Sudden relief filled my body. I closed me eyes but images of that faithful day seemed to fill my head.

I felt sick and the nausea was so much that it forced me out of the bedroom and in the bathroom. I threw up again. My stomach heaved over and over. I sat still my breaths coming short and quick before I gained the strength to clean myself up.

Suddenly I felt warmth everywhere around me. I closed my eyes and leaned on the sink for strength.

"Why do you come back?" I finally asked. It was a question that had seemed to always follow me. I was always afraid to ask it afraid he would leave and stop the enjoyable pain.

"Because of you," he whispered.

"What about me?"

"Just you, I think. You're too unwilling to let go. I told you once, I can never leave you. Ever. It's a package deal of love," he said nonchalantly.

"Death isn't part of it," I growled and just like that I no longer felt him. I upset him, but he'd be back he always was. He was the only thing that kept me going, he would always be.

I took a deep breath and held back the tears. I refused to cry. I stood up and got ready for work, hoping to avoid this day for as long as possible.

I had been working a Billy's for a month now. When I started he was great. He introduced me to everyone and showed me around. He told me how things went and set me to work on the soups. Billy's place wasn't exactly the fanciest place, but it was a major step up then just a diner.

Everyone welcomed me and I felt a bit at home. I loved cooking and as time passed I found I could lose all my emotions if I concentrated hard enough on the food. It didn't take long for Billy to notice my best was in pastries and soon I was making all kinds of different desserts.

Though my emotions were usually lost when I cooked, I couldn't hide them today. Today cooking just brought on more sorrow and grief and bitter sweet memories.

The day passed much too quickly for me. I didn't want to go home and face the emptiness of the house. Not today.

Put as I made my slow steps to my car a voice stopped me.

"Bella!" I turned and a smile spread over my face.

"Jacob!" I said and he made his way toward me. He held out his arms and I gladly went into them, like I always had before. He squeezed me tight and I enjoyed the sweetness of him. His warmth and comfort. I sunk in it.

I had always had Jacob as a friend, granted we didn't start getting close till I started high school I had given him my trust from day one. That wasn't something I could do easily, but Jake had yet to show me he didn't deserve it.

I hadn't seen him in almost a year and even though I had been working for his father for over a month this was my first time seeing him.

I pulled away after only a few seconds and looked at him. He wasn't much different since the last time I had seen him. His hair a little shorter but he was still the same.

"Bells, how you doing?" he said with his eyes light. He had no look of pity in them but I knew what he meant by the question. I knew what he was referring too.

"As good as I can be, I guess," I answered and he smiled.

"It's been a while, eh?"

"Sure has," I said and he laughed as he ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry I lost touch with you for so long. But that day I seen you and it's just I didn't think…" he trailed off at that not finishing his sentence but I shook my head.

"No, it's alright. I don't think I would have been up for a visit a while ago," I said slowly knowing what he was talking about.

"So how come your not with Lizzy?" I asked.

"Ah, Lizzy and I are no more," he said and my smile dropped.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said and he shrugged.

"What are you up to?" he asked and I looked at my feet. I moved them around making little circles in the snow.

"I have no idea," I said softly with voice full of raw emotion.

"Need a friend?" he asked in a soft voice and I looked up to his eyes. They were full of understanding and sadness. Jacob didn't understand how it was like either, but he had his fair share of heart break in his life as well.

"Yea, I really could," I said finding the words truer than I thought they were. He followed me to my car and drove me home.

He asked how I was holding up, and I told him it was hard. He asked if this was me at my best and I told him it pretty much was. He asked if I hurt and I told him I did.

I told him it was hard to get over it and I couldn't be expected to just let go. He nodded in silent agreement.

When we arrived at the house he followed me inside.

He walked into the living room and let out a low whistle.

I turned.

"What?"

"Well, I mean no offense but no wonder it's hard for you to move on. I don't expect you to get over him, because honestly you can't, but walking into this room…it's depressing," he said and I stared confused at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Bella, look. You have pictures of him and you everywhere. I mean it was like this before too, but it's okay to take some down now, it's okay to change," he said and I stared at the room.

He was right. I had pictures of him on the wall and on the coffee table. But it had always been like this. We always had pictures of us, and I couldn't bare change them.

"Maybe, that's your problem. You need to change how you lived before, into how you live now," he said and my eyes watered as I stared at him.

I looked around the room once more.

I still had every picture he hung up and we had taken together up. I still had everything the way it was before. I hated change, but maybe that was why it was so hard.

"Maybe you're right," I said.

.

.

.

I know without a doubt that I am completely and totally head over heels in love with Edward Cullen. I know with out a doubt that I will become his wife someday. Every day I spend with him makes me happy. Everything we do together makes me laugh.

Edward helped me find out I loved cooking and baking and I helped him find out he loved medical science. With all the falling I did he was always there to patch me up. With all the cooking we did I found it made me happy and I am good at it.

3 years has gone by and after the first year I have stopped waiting for that feeling to go away. The love and adoration it was always there. We have fights and arguments and sometimes I hate him, but love and hate are a thin line and it's hard to try and find where one begins and the other ends.

So now we stood in my kitchen.

"I can't bake," he says and I roll my eyes.

"You don't try" I argue and he laughs.

"Yes, I do! I just can't bake!" he retorts and I glare.

"Then why did you ask me to teach you?!" I snap! This is not how I want to spend Valentine's Day. Edward has always planned something special, not extreme and overly expensive, but sweet surprising things that made my heart leap and fall in love with him a little more and made Valentine's Day my favorite holiday.

"I wanted to bake! Maybe your just a bad teacher!" he say back his green eyes flashing with…humor. The comment hurt, but I push it aside with my annoyance. What is funny about this?! Frustrated I grab a bit of flour and throw it at him. He flinches and I burst into laughter. His nose and cheeks are a dusty white and when he opens his eyes I see the seriousness in them.

This confuses me before he grabs a bit of flower in his fingers and throws it at me.

The soft powder hits my cheek I gasp. I throw another bunch of flour at him and he throws them back. In the end, I am pushed against a wall while Edward attacks my lips with his. We are both covered in white flour.

"Happy Valentine's day," he whispers as he kisses down my throat sending the never ending fire in my veins. "Mmm," I hum my brain not making sense of his words.

He pulls away and I whimper in protest.

"We have to clean," he says and I growl. "We can do it later," I argue as I pull him back. He gives me a soft peck and becomes free from my hold.

"No, Charlie will be here in a few minutes and I want him to say yes, when I ask if I can have you for the evening," he says with a glitter in his eye.

"Where are we going?" I ask thrill forming.

"My secret, now lets clean," he says. I sigh, but we continued to clean the kitchen.

"Where are we going?" I ask a little impatient. He holds my hand as we walk to along a little trail in a small park. I have come to this park before, but I couldn't imagine why we were here. The snow glitters in the dying sun and everything seems to be tinted orange in the sunset.

"Just a little further," he says.

The sky is darkening and turning purple but the sun clings to the earth not ready to succumb to nightfall. We finally reach a small bench and he sits me down. He sits down next to me and smiles, making his face look angelic.

"You may not know this, but this was the place I first saw you," he says.

I smile. "Really?"

"You were sitting on this very bench reading Shakespeare, and I couldn't help how amazingly strange I thought you were. I wanted to know more about you, everything from your past to future, to things you hate to things you love. This is where I fell in love with you."

He opens the small book bag he has brought with him and pulls out a container. He lifts the lid and takes out a cupcake.

"I was lying, you're a great teacher," he says as he holds it out to me.

It was a chocolate cupcake and completely plain, what decorated the top of the cup cake took my breath away and formed tears in my eyes.

Lying in the middle of the cupcake was a ring. It was simple and elegant. The band caresses tiny emeralds that match his eye color. The diamond stands in the middle and rises proudly. The gold held it high and it shined in the little light that was left from the sun.

I stare at it for what seems like forever and finally raise my head to meet his. His eyes are staring at me with nothing more than love.

I can't speak.

So he does.

"Bella, I love you. This doesn't mean we have to go to Vegas and get hitched. I just want everyone to know that you belong to me, now and forever. You can say no, but before you do know that this ring will get on your finger someday," he says with a smirk.

"I won't give you up. Ever. You are my life," he says simply and takes the ring from the cup cake as he lowers himself onto one knee and by this time, the tears have leaked down my cheek.

"Will you marry me?" he asks.

I stare at the ring and then his eyes. There really is only one answer.

It doesn't matter that I'm still a senior and that were still young. It doesn't matter that I have yet to leave the house and that Edward hasn't gone to college because he's waiting for me.

It doesn't matter what our parents will say and it doesn't matter how we would turn out. It doesn't matter that this seems unreal and it wouldn't probably last. It only matters that I love him, and he loves me.

So I say the only answer that is possible.

"Yes," I whisper and he laughs as his gentle smooth fingers slip the ring on my third finger.

"A promise of forever," he says looking at me with his dark eyes a smile playing at his lips. His face lit with happiness and his eyes twinkled. He stands up and lays a simple and sweet kiss on my lips.

"I'm holding you to that," I whisper and he caresses my face as he continues to leave soft kisses on it.

.

.

.

The snow crunched underneath my feet as I made my way to him.

I hadn't visited him in such a long time. I didn't feel the need, he was always with me, but something told me that I had to. Covered in my parka and wearing gloves and scarf I made my way to him.

_**R.I.P**_

_Edward Anthony Cullen_  
_A loving son, brother, husband, and friend._  
_He will never be forgotten_  
June 20, 1986 – July 12, 2008

I brushed off the snow from his tombstone and took a seat on the cold hard ground sinking into the snow.

"Hey," I whispered letting my breath form a cloud of white.

I read the words on his tombstone, studying the indention of the words.

"I put away some pictures today. Not all of them, but most. I rearranged the living room too. Jacob helped. He misses you too. Packed away most of your things, but kept the important ones," I told him. I smiled and took out the plastic container. Inside held a plain chocolate cupcake.

"I didn't think this should stop. It's our tradition to eat a cupcake on Valentine's Day." I laid the container on the floor next to me.

I took a deep breath.

"I wanted to tell you, I'm angry at you. I hadn't ever told you, but it's time. You hurt me, and I feel like it's my fault. I'm angry at you and at me and I'm so angry that I ever met you. Because if you hadn't ever met me you wouldn't be here and we would both probably feel empty but that would be so much better than this," I said trying to tell him everything I had ever kept inside me.

"I've been remembering that day. Seven years ago, today. I remember that promise of forever and you broke it. I want to be so mad at you! I want to hate you but I can't because I love you too much. I feel so alone," I whispered tears falling down my cheek and hitting the snow.

"I'm sorry," I heard his voice. I looked up and I could see him. Barely there but it was more of a sight than I ever had before

The sunset making him looking golden and beautiful. I dropped my head again and let the tears fall down my cheeks, I couldn't look at him. He sat next to me, unmoving and silent.

I wiped away the tears with my snow covered gloves and sat a little straighter.

"I came here to do something," I whispered and removed my left glove. I stared at the ring he had given me and felt my broken heart quake. Slowly I slid it off my finger. "I'm not ready to get rid of it just yet, but I can't wear like this anymore," I told him and removed my other glove as I took out a gold chain from my pocket.

I slid the ring on the chain and latched it on my neck holding it for a few minutes.

It was silent but I could feel him. I didn't dare look at him again. I stood from the snow and brushed it off my knees. I brushed his tombstone once more and listened to the sounds around me as I let my hand rest on his stone. It felt lighter and empty with out the ring.

I hadn't ever taken off that ring. But the ring was a symbol of a promise and it was worn in a symbol of a promise and the promise had been broken. So now the ring hung around my neck. A symbol of change.

I lifted my hands from his stone and covered them again and turned away.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Edward," I breathed before walking away. Each step hurting more and more.

**Wow this was a hard chapter; I had to put the right emotion in it, so I hope I got it right. Anyway I hope you review for me it makes me feel happy! And I really need a pick me up after writing a chapter like this :'(. **

**Anyway I know everyone is wondering how Edward died and well you will know, but you'll find out later in the story. Oh and this will not be a BellaXJacob or BellaXOcharacter. **

**Anyway thanks for all the amazing reviewers out there and I hope I have the honor of hearing from you again!!!!**

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya **


	7. Picture

_7._

"Whoa what happened here?" Alice said as she stepped into the living room looking around. I glanced around with her and smiled.

"Rearranged some things, you like?" I asked and she took the step that made her come into the living room. She walked to the shelf and held the photo of Edward and I that would always be up. I hadn't wanted to take a picture but Edward had grabbed me by the waist spinning me around. My head had been thrown down on his neck by the spin and his rested on my shoulder staring straight at Alice while she took the photo.

"I remember this day," she said as she grabbed the photo and came to sit next to me on sofa. I smiled and we studied it together.

"I remember because I saw the tiny flash on you finger. Then I find out my brother had proposed," she said and I blushed just like that day.

I went to take the photo from her but she grabbed my hand and stared at it in shock. "Where's your ring?" she asked staring at my fingers like they had transformed into something frightening.

I pulled my hand away and tugged the chain out from under my shirt. She stared at it and then at me. Her eyes were mixed with confusion, hurt, shock, and something I couldn't really identify.

"Why?" she breathed.

I shrugged. "I don't know. It just seems right," I answered.

She stared at the picture a little while longer and then gave it to me. She sighed and opened up her purse.

"I came to bring you something," she said and I looked at waiting for her to continue.

"I was cleaning a bit today and I found this. I think you should have it," she said and pulled out a tape. The label was in black sharpie. Big thick block letters spelled out, _Edward's and Bell's Wedding_. I knew the hand writing was Emmett's but I was confused.

"I have a wedding video." I said and she nodded.

"I know, but Emmett made this…differently, he likes to think of it as the bloopers of the wedding not the sappy stuff," she said with a small smile and I stared at her.

"Ah," was all I was able to say.

I didn't know what to do with it. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to watch this. So it just sat in my hands while I stared at Emmett's horrible writing.

"I don't mean to hurt you with it; I just thought you might like to see it. I mean I know the CD wasn't the greatest but he would have wanted you to have it. He made it for you birthday, Em and I just finished it. But you weren't in the best condition," she said softly. I nodded.

"Well let's see it," I said and her eyes twinkled.

I popped the tape in and waited as it started to play. It wasn't the whole wedding just the party. Music blared loudly and guests were dancing and wobbling from the drinks.

Goofy smiles filled the screen and you could hear Emmett's chuckle. The camera swished and his face filled the television. He wore a huge grin and his eyes twinkled with trouble.

"Okay, you love birds. This is what happened at you wedding when no one really was looking. And you know how they say drunks and kids never lie, well were gonna find out," he said and flashed an evil grin as the camera shifted again.

"Hey Rosie, how ya doing?" Emmett asked as he zoomed in on Rosalie. Her head was down on the table and her golden hair created a blanket around her shoulders.

She lifted her head and smiled.

"Say something to the couple," he said and she stared confused.

"Didn't I do this," she said and hiccupped.

"Yea, but only they will see it not the whole party so say something."

She stared for a moment and then smiled.

"I take back all the phony luck I gave you guys. Hell you don't need it. Remember I told you how he looks at you! Even after 3 years or was it 4…either way even still he has that same look in his eyes. I can't even see you guys away from each other you lucky—"

"Okay Rosie," Emmett said laughing. He went around to everyone else, drunks and non drunks.

Some comments were so different then the ones before. Some were pretty much the same except for some language. He showed the dance floor where they started doing the _Macarena_.

He showed people getting sick or falling down or just acting silly. And as he swiveled around he found us. Just us.

We were dancing my head resting on his shoulder and his hands playing with my hair. He opened his dark eyes and I could see every emotion there. Love, joy, bliss, excitement, even a bit of fear but I under stood that. I was scared too.

"Hey Edward, Bella say something," Emmett called and Edward looked up. I had turned around and was smiling at the camera.

"Em, what are you doing?" Edward asked and my throat clogged.

Tears filled my eyes and everything seemed to fall down inside me. His voice had sent me over the edge. Tears had made a trail down my cheek and I felt Alice come to my side as she wrapped an arm around me.

"Maybe we should stop," she said and I shook my head.

"No, I want to see this," I said and she nodded.

"Just making a video. Smile Bella," He told the movie me and she did.

"Come on Edward say something," Emmett urged and Edward rolled his green eyes.

"I don't have much to say Em, just that I'm happy," he said with a smile.

"And you Bella?" Emmett asked me.

"Don't know Emmett. What do you want me to say?" I asked him and the camera shifted a little.

"Okay well what if you guys got in a horrible fight that may have ended the marriage, what would you say to save it?" Emmett asked and Edward rolled his eyes.

"You just always have to find the negative in a positive day," Edward mumbled.

"I'd say, that right now, he's the only one that holds my heart and…" I had stopped and stared at Edward. He looked down at me and smiled.

"And that I couldn't ever imagine life with out him. Not a happy one at least," I told the camera and Edward kissed me.

"Dido," he whispered looking at me and Emmett gagged behind the camera.

"Just you wait until your wedding day, I'll be doing the same thing," Edward said and Emmett laughed.

"I'll hold you to that," Emmett told him.

"Get out of here, Em!" was the last thing Edward said before the TV turned blue.

It was quiet and I stared at the screen. The soft hum of the television filled the small living room and finally the tears just seemed to take over.

I looked over to see Alice with tears in her eyes as well.

She always seemed like my safeguard. She was the one that seemed to be the strongest. She never showed tears. I wasn't use to seeing her like this.

I held her tight and I could feel the sobs shake through her too. All the words I have ever told her, everything I ever did to her seemed to hit me full force as I realized just how much pain she was in.

"God, I'm so sorry, Alice, I'm so sorry," I whispered burying my head in the crook of her shoulder. She rubbed her hands up and down my back.

"I forgive you, Bella, I know," she said and I froze.

She had forgiven me.

"I told you," his voice seemed to ring through my ears and then I was laughing. I was laughing at the irony of the situation and his words, and I was laughing to make the tears go away. I just laughed and it didn't feel fake or forced. It just came out.

Alice pulled away with a smile on her face and her eyes watery.

"You know, he loved you so much," she said and she wiped the tears away from my cheeks.

"I actually tried to talk him out of it," she said softly.

"Really?" I asked. I wasn't hurt as I guess I should have been, but just more confused then anything else. Alice was the supportive one. She went along with everything.

"I think I was just more afraid of losing him. I was selfish. I didn't want you to come and steal it all away from me. He was mine, and even though I had no problem against you, I just didn't want you in the family. I didn't want him t forget me," she said staring away.

I stared at my hands.

"Do you ever wish that he never married me?" I asked softly.

"Honestly, No I don't. You made him happy, more then happy you made him glow. He needed you. And looking at you guys, you shared the happiness. You were the kind of couple that made people smile to see two people so in love, " she said and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

I smiled.

.

.

.

"Okay guys smile!" I say as I hold the camera up.

"No!" Bella shouts and turns.

"C'mon it's one picture," Edward says trying to turn her. This only makes her turn herself all around so her back is facing the camera. "No I hate pictures," she says and I laugh.

"Aw Bella, please," I beg but she refuses to turn. Edward shoots a wink at me and holds her waist as he starts to twirl her. She shrieks and I take the picture. "Edward!" she scolds and I roll my eyes as I check the picture.

Edward smiles while Bella's head rests on his shoulder. Her face lit with laughter. His hands are wrapped around her waist and her feet are partially off the ground. But there was a flash in the picture.

It was by Bella's waist and…

I look up at them. Edward is whispering in her ear and she giggles softly. His hands stay around her waist and her hand goes up to wrap in his hair. But as she raises it the sun glints of the ring on her finger sending sparkles in the air.

I don't know what causes me to do it, but I shrieked.

They focus there eyes on me and Edward lets go of her. My eyes are wide as I stare at him. He knows I've figured it out and he know what I'm about to do even though I wasn't completely sure.

"Alice, hush, Mom and Dad are still inside," he tries to warn me but I start to shout anyway.

"You pro—" but my voice is muffled as he places his hand on my mouth. I'm still shrieking and he's telling me to shut up. Bella blushes and stares at the ground. Her feet make small swirls in the snow and she stares like she's making the next _Mona Lisa_.

Floods of emotions run through me and I'm angry and sad and overjoyed and jealous and confused and hurt. My screaming stops and I take deep breaths through my nose and try to control myself. Edward holds me for another minute and then slowly lets me go.

I decide what I want to do.

"Bella! Let me see," I shriek with partial joy.

She comes slowly and holds out her hand. The ring seems to have been made just for her. It shines against her complexion and I suddenly wonder how they were able to hide this.

I grab her hand and just stare at the diamond while trying to ask the right questions without setting Edward off.

"When?" was the only thing I could come up with as I stare at him. His bright green eyes shine and his lips rise in a half smile.

"Valentine's day," he says and I roll my eyes.

"You're so cheesy," I say and Bella laughs. It was only three days ago and this had been able to slip past me.

"When are you going to tell them?" I ask and Bella stares at Edward. My head turns to stare at him.

"I don't know. This weekend," he says and shrugs stuffing his hands in his pocket. It is silent between all of us for a small while and I start to tremble a bit. My brother was getting married. Married!

"Congratulations," I shriek breaking the silence and making Bella jump as I wrap my arms around both of them. Bella laughs and hugs me back tightly, but I feel disgusted by her at the moment.

Bella was sweet and kind and god damned beautiful. She was the only piece missing in my brother's puzzle, but she would she knock me out of the picture. Edward hugged me and I felt my arms squeeze around him tightly. I bury my head in his chest and take in his fresh summer scent, in the middle of winter.

I didn't want him to leave me. To ignore me.

"Thanks Alice, at least we have someone who's happy for us," he says and pulls away.

"What do you mean?"

"If Mom and Dad don't take it well or Charlie, we have you. I need that…we need that," he says and I smile.

"I'm going to take Bella home I'll see you later," he says and holds Bella's hand as they walk to the car.

"Come in," I say and close the photo album as Edward walks into my room. He sits on the computer desk and pulls it up to the bed and I sit up.

"Hey,"

"Hey."

It's silent between us, before I start to babble.

"Edward you're so young and you have such a great future and it's all—"

"Alice, just stop. Please." He begs and my eyes water in anger and sadness and disappointment as I stare at the closed leather bond book resting on the snow white sheets in front of me. I grab a pillow and hug it softly.

"I thought you were happy for me," he says and I could hear the hurt in his voice. My stomach gets tight as I realize it was me who put it there.

"I was—I mean I am, but Edward I don't want you to throw everything away because of _her_," I tell him looking into his eyes.

"Her. Since when did Bella become her? Do you hate her that much you can't even use her name?" Edward snaps and I feel ashamed.

"No I don't hate her," I whisper.

"Then why are you giving me so much crap. God I love her Alice," he tells me his voice calm but anger seething out in every word.

"I know you do! But you have a whole future. Wait a couple years," I say and he shakes his head.

"What's the point? I'm going to marry her anyway. So why wait?" he asks.

"Time changes people Edward. She maybe there today, but what if she finds someone else, what if you do?"

"Do you honestly see me with anyone but her?"

"No," I breathe because it is true. They were one of those couples that couldn't be broken. They just were.

"What's this all about?"

"I just don't want you to rush,"

"That's bull. Give me the real reason," he says and stares coldly at me.

"I just don't want to lose you," I whisper. The room is quiet and then he starts to laugh. Loudly.

"Why would you even think that? I love Bella, Alice I will always love her. But you're my sister. You hold your own special place in my heart and I wouldn't be able to go on without you," he says and takes me in his arms. I lay my head on his shoulder.

The shoulder I cried on, the shoulder I cuddled in, the shoulder that brought comfort to me. He was the one I went to with nightmares in the middle of the night; he was the one I went to when a spider found a way in my room. He was the one I went to when I fell off my bike.

He was the one I went to when someone teased me, when I couldn't get something right. When I won a game, or got an 'A'. He was always there for me.

"I could never just forget about you, Alice, never" he says and I hug him. He would always be there for me.

"I really am happy for you," I say because I was. Once the fear was gone and once I knew that I couldn't really lose him, I was happy for him.

"I know," he says and I laugh.

.

.

.

"You're a sad person Bella," Jacob said as we walked quietly down the street. I had no idea where we were going. We were just walking. Jacob had become a sort of therapy for me.

We had gotten closer in the past weeks. And as the whether warmed a bit it was a comfort to walk with him and share thoughts.

"I don't have a happy life, Jake," I sighed and he stopped.

"That's because you don't try Bella. Your not dead, he is," he snapped and his black eyes glinted with anger. Heat seemed to spread around me like wild fire and before I can control it. My hand strikes his face hard and fast.

He stared at me shocked and he rubbed his hand over his cheek.

"I'm sorry. That was wrong of me to say," he apologized.

"Yes it was," I said.

"But it was right. You don't try to be happy," he told me and I stared at him in disbelief.

"How am I supposed to be happy, Jake? Am I just supposed to forget every memory, everything?" I said my face heating in anger and eyes start to tear.

"No, but God, Bella you're not suppose to live like a zombie! Do you think he's happy watching you live like this? You think this is what he would have wanted?" he growled and I stared at him in silence.

He was right. Edward wouldn't have wanted me to live like this. He doesn't want me living like this. Tears spilled over my cheeks and I stared down at his feet.

Jacob lightly caressed my cheek and brought my face up to his. His eyes shimmer with different emotions. This is new to me. Jacob never expressed any thing other than friendship to me, but now he was leaning slowly closer to me. His eyes closing slightly and my heart started to pound. I was panicking.

"It's okay, Bella. Try," _his_ voice rang around me. Sweet and kind like honey. And soft and comforting like velvet. The voice I least wanted to hear and yet always wanted to hear.

I closed my eyes and tried to stop panicking. I would do that for _him_. I felt the lightest pressure on my lips and my body filled with guilt and disgust.

Memories flooded my behind my vision. The wedding. The study dates. The first date. The first kiss. The proposal. He greens eyes stared back at me and tears flowed.

I pushed against Jacob and he took a step back, surprised at my sudden force.

"It's not okay, I can't," I cried, telling both of them. Jacob looked at me with shock and hurt in his eyes.

I turned and ran, because I was a coward and because I felt guilty. I didn't want to explain to Jacob.

How could I move on when I only thought of him? If every touch by someone else only brought new flooded memories of him. How did I get over that?

I kept running until the tears clouded my vision and I couldn't see anymore. I leaned against a tree and just cried.

Why was it so hard without him? Why did he have to be so stupid? Why couldn't I have been the one that died instead?

"I miss you," I whispered to no one because I couldn't feel him anymore.

**Okay I did something new and I had a flash back come from Alice's point of view. Anyway this is suppose to be more of a short story for me so I probably have like 3 or 2 more chapters before I decide it's over. **

**Kay sorry for the delay guys, but I have been so busy with school and getting ready to go into the next grade. Which is a pain; because you need to take so many tests and do so many reports it really sucks. Anyway I hoped you like it and I would greatly appreciate it if you reviewed for me!  
Also I just wanted to thank you for your reviews. I love them. So thank you so very much!**

**Truly Twilightholic-Tanya**


	8. Dance

_8._

The road was slick with grey mush of left over snow. The sun had paid a visit melting all of the winter's snow. Sending rivers of water along the gutters of the road and making slush.

My hands held tightly to the steering wheel as I tried to keep a steady head and keep my car straight. My heart pounded in my chest and I could almost feel it hit my ribs in a painful pump. My fingers shook and I held tighter to stop them.

When I came to a stop at the light, I glanced at the badly crinkled notebook paper which contained the address I was headed to. My head swam as I took in what I was about to do.

My heart decided to pick up the paste and I felt sick. I took a deep breath and began to drive. I was determined on this. I wouldn't chicken out. I had wanted to pay this woman a visit since July but I never had the nerve or right to do it. But I felt I had to. It was a step of moving past my old life.

It was a step of moving on.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to move on. I didn't want to forget him, or his smile, or the way his eyes would sparkle in light and look like bright emeralds. His million dollar eyes. I didn't want to forget his musical laugh or his comforting arms or his stubbornness and protectiveness. I didn't want to forget him.

I didn't want to forget his flaws which made him that much more special, which made him that much more perfect. How I was expected to forget my one and only love? I couldn't but I could stop living how I was.

I could stop acting as though I was the only one suffering and the only without a love. I could stop acting as though I didn't have a right to live. I could stop hurting others around me and I could stop expecting him to come back.

My heart broke with everything I listed.

I glanced at the sheet again and took a turn into a small neighborhood. The houses were stuck so close and looked exactly the same. Each painted a dreary grey and each had plain white shutters.

Some tried to stick out. One house was painted a bright yellow. It was like a speck of sunshine had fallen and brought light to the dull neighborhood. The shutters were painted a bright blue and it looked like a house from a child's story book. As I glanced at the paper I realized the sunshine house was my destination.

Sucking every ounce of courage I had in me, I parked in the driveway and got out of my car.

I knocked on the door and waited. There was no response. I rang the doorbell and could hear a muffled bark.

Slowly I heard footsteps approach the door and I ignored the screaming instinct to run back to the car.

The door open and she looked at me with a wide smile.

She was tall and graceful. Her smile seemed to take her whole face and her baby blue eyes twinkled. They looked like the summer sky and her white complexion seemed to highlight them. Her eyes seemed so light and full of wonder. It was like staring into a child's eyes.

Her blonde hair was piled on her hair in a messy bun which suited her features. She wasn't much older than me. Her smile dimmed a bit but it held its place as she stared back at me.

"Can I help you?" she asked her voice light and airy.

I realized I must have been at the wrong house and my face flushed in heat.

"I'm looking for Kate Denali. I was told she lived here?" I questioned and the woman nodded.

"I'm Kate," she said holding out her hand and I took it. She shook it briefly and I smiled sadly and glanced at her.

"I'm Bella…Cullen," I said and her smile faded. "Oh," was all she said.

She opened the door and stepped back. "Please come in," she said softly and I walked in.

"Oh, he was a wonderful man. He was so full of laughter and life. Very adventurous and tough. He was my own knight in shining armor," she said as I flipped through the photo album.

He was tall and strong. Dark hair and light eyes. His smile was mischievous, as though he had stolen what you wanted and wouldn't give it back with out a price. He seemed like he could throw his head back and laugh.

The pictures where in different scenes. One he was on a horse looking tall and elegant. Another he was on a boat a fish in his hands. Then he looked almost to be in the sky but I realized he was on a high building.

He did look adventurous and daring.

"I'm so sorry for your lost," I whispered as I closed the book and let it lay in my hands.

"As I am yours," she said.

"I feel so terrible. It was all my fault," I whispered and she shook her head as she placed her pale hands on mine.

"Oh, no Bella, it wasn't. You can't blame yourself for the weather, for how fate works," she said softly and I looked down at our hands.

"What was your Edward like?" she asked trying to change the subject and my throat clogged.

I realized that she could talk about her Garrett like he was away for a meeting. I couldn't even say his name with out tears falling down but I would try. I would try to be strong like her.

"He was kind. He always thought and put others before himself. And he was so happy all the time. His eyes would sparkle in the best ways; he looked as though he had tons of secrets you wanted to know. And his smile, it brought the light to anyone," by this time I could feel the tears slip down my cheeks but I was absorbed in talking about him. To let someone know how amazing he was that I didn't stop.

"He was so stubborn all the time. He had to have it his way and he was so full of love and laughter. He always thought to make me happy and he was so comforting. You could fall in love with him the moment you met him. It was hard not to," I had to stop now because my throat was tight. She handed me a tissue and I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I admire your strength. How you could share his memory when I choke up," I apologized and looked down. She just laughed, it was light and airy.

"How did you cope? How did you let it go?" I asked desperately needing to know.

"It was hard at first. I wanted to know how I could feel so cold and dead inside yet feel my life and warmth underneath my finger tips. I wanted to be dead for a long time. I didn't think it was fair to live, but then I took a good look in the mirror one day. My face was somber and I had realized for the first time my eyes had aged," she said and I furrowed my brows in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that we all age. Our skins become lose our hair grey, but our eyes stay forever young. They don't change. But when your eyes start to change and start to age, you know life is gone. Garrett use to tell me that all the time. I knew I would be making him unhappy so I stopped it. I cherished his memory and lived my life, like he wanted me too. I did it all for him and he's enough to keep me going," she said and her eyes watered.

My eyes fogged and I felt like someone stuck cotton down my throat. It was painful. She loved him enough to move on and live like he would want her too and I couldn't. It wasn't because I didn't love Edward; it was because I was afraid. Afraid of forgetting even the littlest part of him.

I closed my eyes and looked away.

She cleared her throat a little and shifted.

"Do you have a picture? I would love to see it?" she said trying to lighten the mood and I nodded. I dug through my bag and found it. It was the picture that was at Esme's mantel.

My face buried in his chest and his face glowing as he held me. I handed it to her and she sighed.

"Ah, you guys look so lovely together," she said staring at it for a minute before handing it back. I smiled weakly.

"You let your eyes age," she said softly and I looked away at the smaller details of her house.

"I know," I sighed and then stared at my twiddling hands. After a short silence which seemed to drag on I looked into her eyes.

"How do accept it? How can you wake up and know he's not there?" I asked. This was the biggest bewilderment to me. I needed to know how she accepted it. How she was able to wake every morning and know that he wouldn't be wrapping his arms around her, that he wouldn't kiss her, that he would show her love.

"Because I know, that we'll be together again and when we do reunite we won't be separated again," she said with a small smile and then broke into a giggle.

"How can you be so sure?" how could she possibly know there was something after our life.

"Because the love I felt for him. It was strong, we were meant to be. And a love like that can't be broken, not even death can try to tear it apart," she said and I stared into her eyes.

And as I looked into her baby blue eyes and memories flashed through my mind I knew she was right. A smile broke across my face and I knew then I had changed my eyes.

"You're right," I whispered knowing I had heard those words before but had forgotten about them.

Until now.

.

.

.

He twirls me effortless and I spin my dress floating around me. I smile as he brings me back in and we begin to sway. He mouths the words to the song and I laugh laying my head in his shoulder.

He twirls me again and I spin glancing above me. The sky is dark and black but it's speckled with light. The moon seems to shine bright and gold and makes a personal spotlight for us.

The air is sweet with summer and laughter. The night is warm and everyone seems to just laugh and dance.

Esme's birthday is wonderful; it's held by the lake, with music, food, family, and friends. The lake casts reflections of the sky. We dance on the summer grass as the dew trails on our ankles and the grass caress out every step.

Edward smiles down on me. His face aglow by the lights and his eyes twinkling and shining with joy and happiness. He takes my breath away just looking at him and I feel my heart swell with love for this amazing man.

"I love you," he says just as I wanted to hear it and kisses my nose. I raise my head and he places his kiss on my lips. It's sweet and taste like summer itself. He smells like honey and sunshine and I can feel his arms flex on my back as he supports me.

"I think I love you more," I say and he laughs.

"Wow the girl that couldn't love, has more love than I?" he says in mock surprise. I laugh and playfully hit his shoulder.

"Shut up," I say and I smack his shoulder.

He chuckles once holding me as we take another spin.

"Do you ever think you could love another?" he says his face becoming serious. My good mood goes away and I plant my feet on the ground refusing to continue dancing. Why did he have to ruin the mood? I was enjoying myself.

The others are dancing farther away from us, letting us be by ourselves.

"Bella it's just a question," he says and takes my hand and starts to sway again. I follow slowly angry with him.

"What kind of question was that?" I ask and he shrugs.

"I don't know. I was just wondering," he says and I shake my head.

"No I can't ever find another to love. I love you," I say my anger biting in my words. He shakes his head and laughs again.

"You act as though I asked an offending question. I was just curious," he tells me and my eyes lighten a bit.

"Can you?" I ask.

"Can I, what?" he asks and I stare at him with annoyance.

"Can you fall in love with another person?"

"Me? Fall in love with someone else? Are you serious?" he asks and I smile.

"Of course I can," he teases and I smack him again and he laughs.

"Of course I can't Bella," he says and I lay my head on his shoulder enjoying his heart increasing. He lowers his hands to my waist and I wrap my arms around him.

"You wouldn't ever leave me, right?" I ask holding him enjoying him in my arms. Enjoying him being mine. He is mine and I couldn't imagine a world where he wouldn't be. "Never. I don't think I could even if I wanted to," he whispers in my ear making my hair flutter.

"Bella what we have, it's almost impossible to find. I mean do you really think anything can come between us, between this," he says and pulls away to hold my face in his hand and look me in the eyes. His eyes are sparkling but you could tell he's serious.

"What if something, or someone breaks it?" I ask my eyes clouding. I don't know why these thoughts seem to take over. Maybe it's the perfection of the night or the surreal moment we're in. Maybe because I know that these things just don't happen, not in real life.

Maybe because I keep waiting for it to be over. Waiting for him to go away and realize I can't keep up with his perfection or maybe he'll meet someone that can truly hold his heart.

"Bells, what we have its unbreakable. Do you know what we have? Do you know what it's called?" he asks and I shake my head. He smiles like he's discovered the sweetest candy.

"We have love," he says and I laugh and kiss his lips. He holds me tight and we continue our summer dance underneath the sky.

"So nothing can break it?" I ask my eyes playful as I stare back at him.

"Absolutely nothing," he tells me and pushes a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

"So I can stop waiting for you to go away?" I ask staring at him with hopeful eyes.

"I wish you would. I'm not going anywhere. Here, with you this is where I want to be, until the day I die," he says and his eyes glitter like jewels in light. My heart floats and I feel giddy and happy.

"Me too," I whisper and lay my head on his shoulder. Burying my face in his neck and taking in his wonderful happy scent. His arms wrap around me and I close my eyes as I take in the bliss in the moment. I hum softly to the slower version song and spin with him, feeling reality disappear at our feet.

.

.

.

I walked to the car. The wind bit at my cheeks and tugged at my hair. I entered the car and messed with the dials trying to get the heat to warm it up. The blue and blacks of night were slowly replacing the day's bright blues like a stone sending ripples across a lake.

The sun was barely visible hanging to the earth with small rays of light. I started the car and pulled out of the driveway. Kate waved from the window her small dog in her hands. I waved back smiling and she turned away.

I hadn't realized how long I stood with Kate. Time passed quickly as we talked about our lost loves and enjoyed knowing someone felt the same way. To have someone to understand.

I knew coming here was the right thing to do and I knew we would become good friends. She understood me and I knew I should have done this a long time ago.

I drove down the dark streets my head in a daze.

I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter and for once I didn't bury myself in his memories and sulk. I remembered him and took comfort in all the memories.

I couldn't be sure when it happened. I couldn't be sure the exact time I heard it, but soon my ears were filled with a loud screeching and the sound of a horn. I remembered my hands trying to turn the wheel and feeling my car slide.

There was a sharp impact and I could feel pain from every side of me. I felt a wet sticky substance drip down my face and could hear another crashing sound in the distance.

I saw his face. He was so clear. It was like he was right there in front of me.

He was my last thought before everything went black.

**I know it's a cliffy and a pretty big one. But I promise to update soon if you promise to review. I don't care if it's just 'Please update' I love reviews and the smallest one makes me happy. **

**So I know that all of you our wondering what happened and in the next chapter I promise you will learn. Anyway leave an awesome review and I will update! Also I thank every one of you for your reviews!!!**

**Truly Twilighthoic-Tanya**


	9. Love

_9._

_._

_._

_._

My eyes fog with unshed tears and my legs move as fast as they can.

"Bella!" I hear him shout behind me but I just move faster. I push the door open and the rain pelts my hair and skin. I continue to walk letting the tears fall down slowly. The rain blends them well and I feel my heart tearing with every step.

I can feel my shoulders shake and I hug myself to keep from falling apart. Everything just seemed to fall apart. I couldn't even look at him.

"Bella!" I hear him again a bit closer but I ignore him and force my feet to move faster. I try to wipe the tears from my eyes to no effect. The water and the tears just kept coming and my shoulders shake harder.

"Stop, Bella, please," he begs and I could hear him better. Over the roar of the rain I could hear him loud and clear. I turn around only to see him a couple feet away.

"I don't want to see you," I say looking at him with cold eyes.

"Just let me explain, please," he says and his green eyes plead with me. They make him look so innocent and so trusting. I feel so used. I shake my head and run away. I can barely see through the curtain of rain fall in front of me.

The sky is dark and black and only lightened by the flash of lightening. Thunder booms all around me making me feel even more alone and afraid. I run faster not sure where my feet are taking me.

I don't know where to go where he won't come looking for me. Even now when I want to hate him I can't because the back of my mind is worrying about him. He would search all night for me, even in the bad weather. My love for him is still so very deep and I can feel the pain trickle through my body.

I had always known this would happen. I just keep trying to push it away. My memories suddenly became sour and I wished I had never met him.

Even as my steps pound against the concrete underneath me I know he will catch up with me. Because my thoughts were somewhere else and because I couldn't see a thing I fall. My knees hit the wet concrete and my hands are out for support.

I don't pick my self up. Instead I just fall on my butt and hold myself together as I cry. I let everything out and soon I feel arms around me. For a moment I just want him to hold me. I grab his T-shirt and just cry into it. I still need him so very much. I want him to cure the very pain he caused.

He holds me and picks me off the ground. He sets me on my feet and I lean into him. Burying myself in his wet shirt and crying as he wraps his arms around me and just holds me.

Then he speaks and I remember why I was running.

"Bella, I—" but he's cut off as my hand slaps his cheek. He looks stunned for a moment but seems to accept it. I start to back away form him and he starts to follow.

"Don't. I don't want you near me," I tell him and take another step back.

"Bella just let me explain. Let me have a chance to tell you and then you could do whatever you want," he begs as I continue to walk backwards and his face soon becomes blurry through the water.

"Then tell me! Tell me why she was all over you, tell me why it didn't look like it was gonna stop!" I yell and stop when he is at least a yard away from me.

I can see even through the blue of the rain his eyes flashing in anger.

"Don't. Did you actually think I would do anything like that?! I told you once I love you, and nothing could change that. What you saw, it was not like you thought. I have no feelings toward her, it was…she just…I didn't even have time to push her off when you came through the door. Bella I would never do anything like this, I don't even…" he trails off pushing his soaking hair out of the way. It tinted and looked a black with tints of red.

He looks frustrated and terrified.

He is terrified.

I look at him, limp in the rain. My hair is weighing down on my shoulders and clump in wet strings. I feel cold as the water comes down hard on us.

I can't stop looking at the raw fear that lies in his eyes.

"I don't want to lose you, Bella. I'm sorry I am, but I didn't do that I wouldn't touch anyone else. I could never," he says and I hear his voice break.

"Have you led her to believe…"

"God, no Bella. _She_ just came on to _me_. I didn't even encourage anything. It was so unexpected," he tells me seeming to relax at my frozen state or at least happy I'm not running away.

"It's never happen before?" I ask because I needed to know so my heart won't swell with joy only to be crushed again. The image of her still in my head.

"No, Bella. I don't want anyone but you, I've never had," he says and the tears continue to pour down my cheeks. I can't tell them apart from the rain.

"This is not how it's supposed to be. This isn't how I want it," I shout and I push my hair away not knowing what to do. I want to run away and I want to run toward him. I want this never to have happen and I wish that I wouldn't have seen it. I wish I would never have saw her golden red locks pulled around her shoulder as he lips pressed against his. I shuddered again.

"Well Bella what do you want me to do!" he shouts and I just shake my head. Things had not been going well. We had been fighting and bickering and ignoring each other and just been cold. This incident just seemed to add to everything else that was going wrong.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to deal with this. I didn't know why are life just seemed too held together by a tiny string straining to keep everything to together.

"Why is this happening?" I ask. He takes a step closer and again I take one back not wanting him near me. He stops and retreats his step. I stay where I am. He's still a yard away from me and I wanted to keep it that way.

"Bella it's life. What happened back there I would never do. Ever. I would never want to cause pain to you purposely. Ever."

"I'm not talking about that! I want to know what happened to us! What happened to the giggles and the kisses and laughs, why is it always yelling and snickering and tears," I shout again burying my fingers in my hair.

"Bella we're under stress we're always tired and annoyed. Everyone goes through tough times, but we go on. The storm passes and we have our light. Nothing is perfect. All the crap you read in those books doesn't exist. Life isn't perfect, but at the end of the day I never regret being with you, I never regret meeting you and I never regret marrying you. I'm still head over heels in love with you at the end of everyday as I was the first time I saw you, and as long as you feel the same way for me, Bella we're gonna get over it." he tells me.

"Even with all the fighting and yelling, I still love you and god Bella I feel sick when I think about what just happen. You have to know, you must get this through your head that I would never ever do anything like that," he says and bows his head looking ashamed of himself.

The tears still seem to fall but his words settle in. He's right. Life doesn't work out perfect and we were going to hit rough times. I already seem to forgive him because I know that I won't be able to live without him. I am too in love with him and I trust him too much and every part of me just wants to hold him.

"I do feel the same way. But I'm the only one that ever gets to touch your lips, ever." I say to him and a smile of relief and joy seem to take over him.

"That's how I want it," he tells me with a soft laugh and I smile.

He takes a step closer and I don't move. He takes another and again I stay still waiting for him to join me.

Then everything seems to freeze. The rain becomes slower and his steps are still. His small smile fades from his face as he glances down to see the bright head lights through the rain.

The car is swerving and you could hear the horn loud and clear as a back ground.

I see his face and I could tell exactly what he plans on doing. My face washes with horror. He starts to run and I start to scream.

"No Edward, don't—"" but he pushes me out of way and I feel my back hit the concrete. And my head hits the edge of the side walk. I can't move. My head feels like it was shattered into a million pieces and my head starts to pound viciously.

I can hear swerving and the horn that never fades until a loud crash fills my ears. The horns stops suddenly and I can hear the sound of breaking glass.

I sit up and rub the back of my head forcing my eyes open. My fingers are red as I glance at them but the rain is soon washing it away. Everything suddenly seems to fast for me to take in. People seem to swarm in from everywhere.

I can see him. I don't take in anything other than that it's him. I try to stand on my wobbly legs and succeed. Slowly I take my steps toward him moving in a daze. He's unconscious and I can't see his chest moving. I fall to my knees and cry.

"Edward you can't go, you can't," I cry and grab onto him. I feel something grab my shoulders and pull me back. I scream again. "Edward please, fight, for me," I try to tell him but there pulling rougher and they get me on my feet.

They start to pull me back and I try to scream, I try to kick, I try to fight but I can't.

"No Edward," I try to shout I try to do something but all that comes out is a sob and whisper. I slump against the person holding me back and my world comes rushing down.

I can hear whispers and gasps from the onlookers. Their voices mend with the rain giving such an eerie feeling to my empty body.

"Oh, is he dead"

"What happened?"

"Someone get help,"

"Oh my god, the driver I think he's dead,"

Everything fills my head.

Sirens seem to float all around me.

They're taking me farther away from him now and once again I start to scream. They're telling me I'm bleeding, that I need help; they're lying and saying everything will be alright.

"Edward," I sob as they push me farther away from him.

My head is pounding so hard and the rain is hitting my eyes and making them sting and my body is so full of pain and grief and suddenly my vision starts to fade. Slow at first. I see black forming around the edges and then everything goes black and I start to fall.

.

.

.

"Edward!"

I sat upright on my bed. My eyes squinted against the bright sunlight seeping in through my windows. My room seemed too bright and too white. The sun was too bright for a winter's sun. I looked around as my head pounded.

My fingers flew to my forehead but all I felt was smooth skin. I couldn't even feel a bruise. I try to remember back. I remember my car swerving and I could smell the rusted scent of blood as it traveled down my face.

Shouldn't I have been in a hospital?

My head hurt from confusion and I glanced at the alarm clock.

7:34

Alice would be here soon. I closed my eyes and visions of my dreams pelted me knocking me back on the bed. My throat felt tight and I could barely swallow as I the tears ran down my cheeks.

He wasn't here. He wasn't going to come back. It felt too heavy to accept. Because just like so many years ago when I kept waiting for him to leave, it was the same only I was waiting for him to come back.

But he wasn't going to.

I grabbed his pillow and held it to me. As though it was him, as though I could have him again. I took in his scent which was still so strong on the cloth. It smelled like sunshine and honey and sweetness and summer.

"Edward," I sobbed and curled up close to try and lessen the pain just a fraction. The dream was too much. It felt so real. Like I had relived his death a second time. I felt and heard and smelled everything I did in my dream as I did that very night.

He gave his life to save my stupid one.

And what was worse was that I couldn't even feel him right now. I couldn't trace his essence I couldn't even hear his voice and I needed him so much. This was worse than the time he had decided to teach me a lesson. This was worse because I knew he wouldn't come back again. I would feel his whispers in my ear.

I wouldn't feel the warmth and the pain he brought when he visited me. He was truly gone this time and I could feel it.

The door opened and I squeezed my eyes even tighter. I didn't want to deal with Alice. I didn't want her to come and talk to me and make me feel like crap. I didn't want her to …

"Bella what's wrong?"

I could feel time freeze. Every ounce of my body was hit with pain and hope and hurt and love. The voice was so strong and loud. It wasn't a little whisper in my ear.

I sat up and glance at the door way.

He was there. Standing and looking so very real that my heart shuddered at the point of breaking into millions of pieces.

He looked absolutely beautiful. His hair was tasseled and his eyes looked tired and worn and his face seemed to be a bit irritated.

He smiled a bit mockingly lifting one side of his lip more than the other and my heart doubled its speed.

"Edward?" I questioned.

"Bella?" he mocked in confusion. I was still for only a moment before I stood on the bed untangling my limbs from the thin sheets and running toward him. His eyes widened but he held out his hands for me as I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.

He stumbled backwards a few steps before steadying himself and holding me tightly.

The tears continued to spill over my cheeks.

He was real. I could feel him in my arms. I could feel his warmth and his soft skin and my heart was breaking and swelling and I felt like choking in happiness.

I kissed him letting my lips trail down his jaw and kissing every part of his face I could find.

He groaned and I found my lips on his again. I kissed his neck and tightened my hold on him.

"I love you, I love you so much. It hurts to be away from you. I love you," I mumbled my voice muffled by his skin.

"Bella, Bella what's wrong. Calm down, love," he said trying to push me back but I held my grip and he couldn't break it. He moved and sat on the edge of the bed and positioned me for a better comfort.

Tears came rushing down my cheeks as I took it in. I was here with him and he was so very very real and he smelled just like he use to and I didn't ever want to give him up again.

"Why are you crying?" he asked like what I was doing was the silliest thing ever.

I grabbed his face and looked straight into his eyes. Taking in every speckle and every emotion that flew through it. I looked at his nose and his wonderful lips and square jaw and the small barely visible dimple in it. I took in the exact way his hair fell over his forehead and how it looked ruffled and uncombed yet felt like silk in my fingers.

I saw how he tilted his head in my though and how his eyelashes left long shadows down his cheeks.

"Because I missed you so much. I missed you and I love you and you made me hurt and made me happy beyond belief and because you will never find another person that loves you more than me," I said and attacked his surprised lips. I deepened it and let my tongue trace his lips. I memorized the way he tasted and felt.

He pulled back a moment wearing a happy smile.

"How are you here?" I asked staring at the beauty of him.

"I never left, Bella. What's wrong?" he asked tracing my face softly and I just smiled.

"I missed you so much," I whispered.

"So you're not mad?" he asked but I just shook my head tears still falling from my eyes as I kissed his jaw and down his neck. Running my fingers in his hair.

"Mad? Mad about what?" I mumbled.

"I have no idea. What ever argument we had last night that caused me to sleep in the living room," he said in a whisper as he finally responded better and took control. He sent kisses to my cheeks and neck and traced down my collarbone.

Memories rushed into my head.

"What's the date?" I asked my brows furrowing.

"The 12th," he answered pulling away to stare at me.

"Of what?"

"July," he said looking confused and I stared at him in bewilderment.

"It was just a dream," I said softly as I stared at him and he raised his eyebrows.

"What?" he questioned.

"It was just a dream," I said louder.

He pushed my hair over my shoulder and laid a kiss there following up my neck.

He kissed my cheek and pulled away.

"How could it all be a dream?" I asked my eyes wide. How could I have felt all the emotion and have so many memories. How could it have lasted so long and felt so real?

He smiled and his eyes glinted. Like he knew something I didn't.

He laughed quietly and just shook his head as he kissed my lips once more.

_-The End-_

**And there you have it peeps. It's done. It's a short story I know but it had tons of sweet moments and lots of emotion. **

**So the question is what happened to Bella? Was it all a dream or is she reunited with Edward in the afterlife? **

**Well honestly that's your decision to make. Whatever you wanted to happen to her, it happened. **

**Anyway review for me and make me happy please. I hoped you enjoyed my little story and I hoped the ending was satisfying. **

**Truly Twilighthoilc-Tanya**


	10. Playlist

**Play-list for Dreaming of My Immortal.  
(Just a few songs that helped inspired the story and gave me new ideas)  
**

**1. My Immortal - Evanescence**

**2. Just a Dream - Carrie Underwood**

**3. Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer**

**4. Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot**

**5. Dare you to Move - Switchfoot.**

**6. When I Look to the Sky - Train**

**7. Bella's Lullaby - Carter Burwell**

**8. Cry - Mandy Moore**

****

**9. Dancin' in the Moonlight - Switchfoot**

**10. Like A Star - Corrinne Bailey Ray**

**There not in order by chapter or anything but these were songs that you should definitely look up if you haven't heard already. There heart breaking and sweet. **


End file.
